By the time Sophia* married her husband, James*, she thought she was “beyond questioning” their relationship. They met while both working in the City, “gelled quickly” and then got married because “that's what you did in your 20s.”
Sophia and James were a great team at first. They understood each other's worlds and careers, “including the stress of City demands,” spending their spare time travelling and going to the cinema. They were a great team, especially when they welcomed their two children.
But as tiredness crept in, the dynamics changed. “The old us just wasn't the same anymore,” Sophia recalls. “We were permanently exhausted,” and affection took a back seat in their relationship.
At the same time, Sophia was trying to grow her new business at home, juggling entrepreneurship with childcare, while her partner's job in the City “always seemed to take precedence.” Things weren't equal anymore.
The result? “It got harder to have each other's backs. Growing apart was sad, but it felt inevitable.”
Mixed emotions
Towards the end of their 16 years of marriage, Sophia just couldn't shake those niggling feelings that something wasn't quite right. She sought advice from her friends, some of whom were “in the same boat, muddling through for years.”
Although she knew something was wrong, it took nearly five years for Sophia to take action. “Neither of us had time, space or the bravery to tackle our issues,” she says. “Once we knew we were done, it happened quite quickly.”
Seeking advice
What Sophia experienced in the years leading up to her divorce is not uncommon. But no two relationships break down in the same way,” says Liza Gatrell, managing partner at Stowe Family Law. “Some people come to us after one defining event. Far more have reached a point where lots of smaller moments have gradually become impossible to ignore.”
“One of the things we see time and again is that people rarely seek advice at the point they first begin questioning their relationship,” says Liza. “By the time they reach us, many have been living with uncertainty for months or even years. People often tell us they wish they’d sought advice sooner. Not because they would necessarily have made different decisions, but because understanding their options earlier would have helped them feel more informed and less overwhelmed.”
Divorce isn't inevitable
“Relationships rarely end in a single moment,” agrees Kate Nestor, a Divorce & Separation Coach at Stowe. “More often, things begin to unravel slowly. One of the saddest things I see is the guilt people carry simply for questioning their relationship. They often worry that having doubts makes them a bad partner or a bad person. It doesn’t. Ignoring those doubts rarely makes them disappear.”
It can be easy to assume that seeking legal advice means divorce is inevitable but, say Liza and Kate, that’s not the case at all. Speaking to a family lawyer doesn’t automatically start a legal process or mean you have to act on your doubts. It simply gives you the opportunity to speak to a professional who can explain the relevant legal considerations and help you understand the options. “Many people worry that speaking to a lawyer means they have already decided to separate,” says Liza. “In reality, many people simply want to understand their options. Information gives people reassurance; it doesn’t make the decision for them.”
For clear, practical information when you need it, visit stowefamilylaw.co.uk
*Names have been changed
