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“Hey, can you please put your plate in the dishwasher,” I ask my 12-year-old for the second time.
There’s no response. Competing with the volume of an over-enthusiastic YouTuber, I raise my voice and ask again. Nothing. One more time will do it, I think. Or not. Silence from my kid. Between the repeated asking, the loudness of the iPad, and my lack of sleep the night before, I’m reaching capacity fast. I can feel the angry tension build in my stomach. Suddenly, this run-of-the-mill frustration feels insurmountable and I can’t quite figure out why. I’ve navigated similar challenges, during pregnancy and postpartum. Why is perimenopause harder to manage?
A recent study found that fluctuating estrogen levels during perimenopause are linked to mood swings, irritability, and even depression—particularly in women juggling parenting and a full schedule. No kidding. I don’t feel like the loving mom I set out to be, and parenting with empathy is much harder. Dr. Naomi Potter, MD, author and menopause specialist, says it’s common for women at this stage to tell her they don’t recognize themselves. While this change can feel like you’re morphing into a totally different person, Dr. Potter says the key thing to understand is that this isn’t a personality change; it’s a neuro-hormonal shift. Oh, that tracks.
Parents are unprepared for perimenopause
When I got my first period in the eighth grade, there were assemblies in school. So, where was my handout on “cougar puberty?” Coined jokingly by Kristina Kuzmic and her friend Amy Pickard, cougar puberty is a pretty apt description of the hormonal shifts experienced by over 800 million women between the ages of 35 and 53 who are going through perimenopause and menopause. In a survey of nearly 1,000 perimenopausal women, more than 90% said they had never been taught about perimenopause in school, and only 37% of women report having a proactive and satisfactory convo about it with their healthcare provider. No wonder we’re woefully unprepared. One of the worst parts for me is that these changing hormones are influencing my mothering—affecting the trust I’ve built with my son.
As energy fluctuates and stress tolerance changes, our parenting skills feel inconsistent. Dr. Supatra Tovar, a clinical psychologist and registered dietitian, wants us to know that this stage doesn’t make us less competent, but it does make everyday life feel more intense. “We are expected to be emotionally regulated, productive, nurturing, successful, physically well, socially present, slender, youthful, and resilient,” Dr. Tovar says. “There is very little room in that model for fluctuation, rest, or humanity.”
Only last week, my tween son stopped me while I packed for an overnighter at grandma’s to ask, “Are you done being stressed?”
His quiet query stopped me in my overpacking tracks, because I thought my vibe read more rushed than prickly. I took a moment, thanked him for checking in, and asked what he meant.
“Well, you just seem…stern,” he said. Cue the mom guilt.
Parenting through perimenopause is hard. Nearly 1 in 3 women say symptoms significantly disrupt their daily life, which includes the tasks and mental loads that accompany supporting our kids. Bedtime resistance with your toddler feels angry and heightened, and conversations about packing lunches can move into a space of immense impatience. These feelings are real, and Dr. Tovar emphasizes that problems can arise when we maintain the expectation that capable women never struggle: “That belief creates shame during a stage of life that requires adaptation and care.”
Along these lines, Suzanne Gilberg, MD, FACOG, and author of the book Menopause Bootcamp, says some commonly mentioned symptoms like emotional processing and sleep disruption can decrease patience and increase emotional reactivity, and adds, “All of these impacts will affect any relationships, including parenting.” So, how do I remain a safe space for my kid when my emotional base is so in flux?
Estrogen receptors are found throughout the brain and play a key role in serotonin and noradrenaline systems, which regulate our mood and thinking. Dr. Potter explains that when estrogen drops, this affects the calming response. “So, situations that you previously handled calmly may suddenly feel overwhelming or triggering,” she says. If you’re feeling impatient or overwhelmed more often, this is common. Dr. Potter suggests instead of judging yourself, think in terms of capacity, so on days when symptoms are worse, your emotional bandwidth is simply lower.
Parents need to be open about asking for support.
Awareness of perimenopausal symptoms can lay the foundation for go-to support systems, and, Dr. Gilberg says, “That understanding this neurobiology can support creation of strategies to buffer impacts.” While it may feel different to brief those in your inner circle about your hormonal situation, Dr. Gilberg encourages us to communicate with loved ones to create boundaries, rest, and strategies to decrease conflict and optimize solutions.
As a mom, I’ve learned to push through sickness, lack of sleep, and personal upsets to show up for my son. Perimenopause has shifted that foundation, and pushing through is no longer an option. My emotional cup doesn’t fill up the way it once did—it takes more intentional effort to replenish it. So, to keep my son in the loop and our connection, you know, connecting, I’m being transparent about what my body is going through, even if it means talking about perimenopause during a hot flash while standing in the fridge.
All experts agree that letting family know your body is going through a natural hormonal transition brings understanding and support. “Support should be seen as essential, not optional,” says Dr. Tovar. And these conversations can be very positive, Dr. Potter says—especially when talking to your kids, adding, “They help children understand that bodies change throughout life and that it’s okay to talk about feelings and health.”
Standing in the kitchen, I say to my son, “Hey, there’s a horse in the room, and I’m overwhelmed.” It’s our secret code.
This inside joke was born out of a dinnertime discussion about hormones, and now the horse shows up when big feelings gallop around. The ridiculous image of a horse hanging out in our home makes my son laugh, and he knows this means my emotional cup is too low. When my stomach fills with feelings taller than his latest LEGO build, it’s my reminder to get grounded. The one thing I’m consistently doing to keep my parenting trust intact is taking time out to recenter. And it must be quiet. And it must be alone. And it doesn’t have to be long. And because we’re naming it, my son knows my big feels have nothing to do with him.
Hormonal shifts are a normal part of life. This phase has opened the door to a different stage in all things—especially in parenting. But I’m learning that different doesn’t necessarily mean bad. Dr. Tovar states that silence often creates confusion or shame, so let’s normalize these conversations. Hopefully, talking honestly with my son can demystify what’s happening, and taking steps to care for myself will model emotional and body awareness. And finally, Dr. Potter says: “Moms can support themselves by treating menopause as a health priority, not an inconvenience. You’re not meant to power through alone.”
Brunilda Nazario, M.D. is the Chief Physician Editor, Medical Affairs, at WebMD.
