The pain of losing a much-loved pet

Eighteen years ago, my parents took care of my tiny new kitten for a week while I was on holiday. She disappeared for two days and, when I returned, my parents had aged by about 20 years. She had hidden in the cupboard under the stairs and never made a sound, which is why it took so long to find her.

The truth is, I was never meant to keep her. I had bought her for my brother, Rob, for Christmas, named her ‘It’ so that I wouldn't become attached and planned to hand her over a week later. I suppose it took about 10 minutes for me to fall hopelessly in love and another kitten had to be found quickly for Rob.

Thus it was that ‘Itty’ became part of me. Through thick and thin, through bad relationships and good ones, through tough work times and bereavements, Itty was there. Archie the dog didn’t think much of her but, despite barking and chasing every cat that enters our garden, he never bothered Itty.

I knew Itty’s kidneys were failing, but a special diet kept her pretty well until one morning in May, when I noticed she couldn’t stand properly. The time had come. I had always said I didn’t want her final journey to be to the vet – I wanted the vet to come to her so that she could peacefully pass away at home – but in the end there was no choice to make. Itty died before I could even make the call. She simply lay down by the bed and stopped breathing as I was stroking her. I picked her up while I wept, holding her limp body next to me and I could swear that I could feel her heart still beating. A glimmer of hope… Until I realised it wasn’t Itty’s heart I could feel – it was mine, pounding through her.

Itty was nearly 19, and everyone tells me she had good inings, but I am bereft. I have had cats all my life and now our house has no feline presence. I feel Itty calling me to give cat love to another, and I’m terrified.

I’m scared that Archie won’t like it, I’m scared that I will love it with all my heart and it will get run over or go missing as so many cats seem to do in our neighbourhood, but I ache for a kitten cuddle. Every kitten picture on Twitter pulls at my heartstrings with such force it hurts.

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The Spring would be a good time, I think. New beginnings. There will be a kitten (or even two) that needs a home, and I’ll be ready to shower it with Itty love.

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