I Let My Teen Stay Out Without a Set Curfew, Until I Spoke With Experts

Toward the end of her sophomore year in high school, my 15-year-old daughter asked if she could go to an end-of-year party at a friend’s house. “No problem,” I told her. “Just text me when you want to be picked up.” For now, my daughter doesn’t have a curfew, so I knew she might call me to be picked up at 10 p.m. or 2 a.m. That meant a late night for me, but I wasn’t worried about her safety, and I wanted her to have fun after a grueling school year.

My daughter’s lack of a curfew doesn’t mean she can stay out as late as she wants, whenever she wants. Instead, when she goes out at night, we discuss the time she needs to be home and make a case-by-case decision.

On school nights, my daughter knows she has to finish her homework and be home in time for a good night’s sleep. That usually means she needs to be home no later than 8:30 p.m. On weekends, I’m more flexible, but I always consider where she’s going and how she’s getting home. For example, she often spends time at a friend’s house a few blocks away. We live in a safe neighborhood, and it doesn’t bother me if she walks home alone past midnight on a Saturday night. If she goes to a different friend’s house farther away, she typically needs to be home before dark if she’s taking public transportation or getting a ride from another teenager. She can usually stay out later if a parent is picking her up. This loose approach has worked for us.

Not all parents agree with our process, however. When I was trying to arrange a carpool for the end-of-year party, I discovered that one of my daughter’s friends has a strict 10:30 p.m. curfew. “Fifteen-year-olds have no business being out any later,” her friend’s father told me. I respectfully disagreed, and we decided to pick up our children separately.

After that discussion, doubts began to creep in. Was I right to allow my daughter the freedom to stay out later than her friends? Was I putting her in danger by not giving her a strict, consistent curfew? Or, as I hoped, was I allowing her to develop a healthy social life and the ability to test her independence before she leaves for college, when I won’t be able to dictate what she does at night or when she goes home? I asked experts on child development to weigh in.

Allowing teenagers some freedom is important because it helps them develop independence and decision-making skills, says Jessica Hochman, M.D., a pediatrician and host of the podcast Your Child Is Normal. That means it’s essential to allow kids to spend time with their friends, away from home, where they can make their own decisions. Nevertheless, and unfortunately for my daughter, Dr. Hochman strongly recommends that parents set parameters and institute curfews for various reasons.

“Giving children freedom allows them to build confidence and improve their problem-solving skills, because they have the opportunity to make independent choices and learn from the outcomes,” Dr. Hochman explains. “While a curfew provides a boundary, it still provides opportunities for children to gain independence while developing those skills.”

She compares a curfew to the process of learning how to drive. “We do not hand a new driver the keys and allow them to drive right away,” she explains. “While they’re learning, we instead gradually increase their independent driving skills, with rules in place. Curfews work similarly; they provide a way for teens to gain independence while providing structure.”

The goal of any parent is to raise young adults who can make safe, responsible decisions when a parent is not there to guide them, Dr. Hochman explains. Curfews strike a balance between giving teens some freedom to make their own decisions and helping them avoid risky situations.

Curfews can help teens stay safe because, as the evening progresses, “Being outside the home becomes riskier,” Dr. Hochman says. As a general matter, “there is less adult supervision at night, which can increase the likelihood that teens engage in unsafe behavior,” she explains.

A 2022 study from Frontiers in New Psychology backs this up. According to the study, decision-making becomes impaired after 10 p.m. and the risk of “maladaptive behaviors,” including drug and alcohol use, violent crime, and suicide, increases. Additionally, curfews give parents a way to closely monitor their teens without the need for constant check-ins and location tracking, which may be stressful for teens and parents alike, she says.

When driving is involved, curfews become even more important. Motor vehicle accidents are a leading cause of death for teenagers, and more accidents happen at night. The risk increases when teens are driving, since they have a much higher accident rate than adults. Setting a curfew for teens helps keep them off the road.

Moreover, curfews encourage adequate sleep, which is essential for teens’ physical and emotional well-being, says Asha Patton-Smith, M.D., a child and adolescent psychiatrist at Kaiser Permanente in Virginia. Curfews can also help teens develop time management skills they will need when they go to college or enter the workforce, she says. “Curfews encourage children to balance social activities with homework, family responsibilities, and other commitments and help youth learn to set limits around social activities, an important skill for adulthood,” she explains. Without a set curfew, teens may be tempted to prioritize social activities and struggle with time management when they enter adulthood.

Another benefit of curfews is that they give teens a ready-made excuse to leave a situation that is making them uncomfortable, says Kenneth Ginsburg, M.D., M.S.Ed., an attending physician in the Division of Adolescent Medicine and the co-director of the Center for Parent and Teen Communication at Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia and author of Lighthouse Parenting: Raising Your Child With Loving Guidance for a Lifelong Bond. Instead of explaining why they want to leave, teens who have a curfew can blame their parents and walk away without worrying what their peers will think.

Curfews are also important because they can help set clear expectations and boundaries, Dr. Hochman explains. Although it may not seem like teens want to have to follow rules, that’s not always the case. Curfews can provide predictability, helping teens plan their activities and social lives, and offer stability.

“I wish I had had a curfew,” says David Clover, a father of a tween in Michigan. “Instead, my parents would ask when I would be home, and then they would yell at me if what I answered didn't sound reasonable to them right then, which of course mostly had to do with their mood as much as anything.” Clover constantly had to guess what time his parents wanted him home, which was stressful for everyone.

As a result, Clover plans on setting a clear curfew for his 11-year-old daughter when she’s a teen. “I think if you are going to have limits, making them crystal clear is best for everyone,” Clover explains. “Frankly, it’s easier for kids if they know what the boundaries are,” even if they aren’t always happy about them, he says.

While Clover’s parents’ reactions may be extreme, stress around unspoken expectations isn’t unusual. According to Dr. Hochman, “Not having a curfew could create stress in families.”

“Many kids and teens actually do better when expectations are clear and predictable,” she adds. “I believe that good communication with clear expectations removes the guesswork and therefore reduces anxiety of both parties.” Although curfews may cause some tension, unspoken expectations may cause even more tension, Dr. Hochman explains.

Although Clover’s experience isn’t unique, the lack of a curfew may not be problematic for all families. For example, my daughter and I always discuss what time she needs to be home and why. However, the lack of a clear curfew means my daughter always has to check with me about when she needs to be home and she is sometimes left to guess about what I think a reasonable curfew should be. I now realize that the lack of a clear rule means that she is still dealing with some uncertainty and the risk that I will get upset if she would like to stay out later than I would like.

Setting a curfew can be difficult, but it’ll work out for the family if you do it right.

Explain to your teen why a curfew is necessary

Many teens won’t be happy about having a curfew. When raising the topic of a curfew, it’s important to “help your child understand this boundary is grounded in ensuring their safety, health, and development, and not due to any lack of trust,” Dr. Patton-Smith says.

Dr. Hochman suggests explaining to teens that a curfew isn’t a punishment but a way to expand their independence with guardrails in place. “The goal of curfews is not to keep teenagers on a short leash forever,” she explains. “The goal is to give them a little more freedom each year, so that by adulthood they have both the independence and the judgment to make good decisions on their own.” Understanding this reasoning and explaining that their curfew is likely to change as they get older and demonstrate good decision-making may help teens understand why a curfew is necessary, even if they would rather not have one.

Make setting a curfew a collaborative process

To help ensure that teens feel heard and that parents gain their buy-in, Dr. Patton-Smith suggests having an open, collaborative discussion with teens before settling on a curfew and the consequences for being late. Although parents have the final say, allowing teens to share their thoughts can help parents make an informed decision and set a curfew that their teen will accept.

Each family needs to decide on a curfew that works for them, but there are some factors every family should consider. There is no one-size-fits-all approach to curfews. “Parents should consider the child's age, maturity level, track record of responsibility, and obligations the following day,” Dr. Hochman says.

However, if you are looking for more specific guidance, Dr. Hochman says that “As a pediatrician, I often tell families that nothing good happens after 10 p.m. While that’s not a scientific cutoff, many of the risks teenagers face, including fatigue and impaired judgment, not to mention the potential exposure to intoxicated individuals, increase as the night gets later.”

Curfews shouldn’t be too strict

Although Dr. Hochman believes that curfews are important, she cautions that they should not be too strict. Curfews that are unreasonable or unworkable may cause more harm than good in the long run. For example, a 7 p.m. curfew probably won’t work for a teen whose friends typically go out to dinner at 6:30.

“If implemented too rigidly, a curfew may discourage honest communication if a teen feels pressured to hide their whereabouts,” Dr. Hochman says. “Or, it may inadvertently encourage a teen to rush home unsafely to avoid getting in trouble for being late.”

It’s OK to have different curfews on different days of the week or special occasions. Although consistency is important when it comes to curfews, it’s a good idea to build some flexibility into the system. “Allowing flexibility lets teens earn independence as they demonstrate their responsibility,” Dr. Ginsburg says. “Many families set earlier curfews on weeknights and allow later ones on the weekends or for special events. Allowing flexibility lets teens earn independence as they demonstrate their responsibility.” However, if you set one curfew for weekdays and another for weekends and special events, it’s important to stick to the schedule.

Be prepared for pushback

It’s normal for teens to push back against rules, including curfews. However, even with built-in flexibility, once parents set a curfew, there shouldn’t be any further discussion unless there are special circumstances such as illness or transportation issues.

“As a parent, any time you set a boundary, you must consistently enforce it,” Dr. Patton-Smith says. “When parents are inconsistent with their boundaries and the agreed-upon consequences, their child learns that they can push that boundary.”

If a teen asks for an extension of their curfew in advance, parents can ask why the teen believes an exception is warranted and decide if they agree. However, if teens are constantly asking for extensions, parents should probably reopen the discussion of whether a change in curfew is necessary because it’s better to have clear, workable rules in place instead.

Asking for extensions in real time is more problematic. If your teen is constantly calling at 10:45 at night asking if they can stay out past their 11 p.m. curfew, they aren’t respecting the rules, Dr. Patton-Smith says. If a teen asks for an extension of their curfew when they are already out for the evening, Dr. Patton-Smith suggests sticking to the original curfew while letting your teen know that you can discuss any challenges or issues with the curfew the following day.

Because setting a curfew should be a collaborative process, asking for an extension or missing a curfew may be an opportunity to discuss what is and isn’t working while still enforcing the rules that are in place, she says.

Revisit curfews frequently 

Curfews can and should change as a teen gets older and demonstrates readiness for more independence. Parents don’t need to wait for an incident like a missed curfew to reopen the discussion. Some parents choose to review curfews on a set schedule, such as every six months, while others may prefer to review curfews when it feels right for their family. “A helpful analogy is to think of curfews like training wheels,” Dr. Hochman says. “Training wheels provide safety and support while a child is learning, and over time they gradually come off. Parents can slowly allow later curfews and more independence as their teenagers demonstrate responsibility and good judgment.”

Consider your local laws

There are some practical considerations parents need to be aware of when setting curfews. Hundreds of towns, cities, and counties have curfews in place, ranging from setting a time teens must be off the street to limiting teen gatherings at night. It’s important to know what these are so neither teens nor parents run afoul of the law, Dr. Ginsburg says.

However, legally mandated curfews usually don’t mean teens have to be home by a certain time. Instead, they usually dictate how late teens can be in public areas and with whom they can be. In most places with curfews, teens can still stay at a friend’s house or at a party in a private home if they are being driven home by someone over 18 or are spending the night. That still leaves parents with a lot of discretion.

Don’t expect a curfew alone to keep your teen safe

Although curfews are important, they are only part of keeping teens safe. “A curfew doesn't eliminate risk, but it can reduce the amount of time a teen spends in higher-risk environments and situations,” Dr. Hochman says. Therefore, it’s still important to regularly check in with teens about the dangers of drinking and driving, drug use, consent, and all of the other perils that teens face.