5 House Rules Experts Say Every Family Should Consider

Some parents have pretty signs from Etsy outlining the house rules, from “Always kiss me goodnight” to “Never go to bed angry.” Others have a formal and official document that has been agreed upon in family meetings, while some have never discussed a single house rule. Regardless of which end of the spectrum your family is on, house rules likely already exist in your house, from not cussing or name-calling, to not wearing shoes upstairs, or maybe even just responding when someone talks.

But when’s the last time you stopped to really consider the house rules, and whether they need an update to help further improve the culture, emotional regulation, and even safety of your kids? Me either—with five little kids and no time, it’s the last thing on my mind. But, with a bit of thought and some tips from the experts, resetting with your kids on the house rules can be a game-changer.

We asked the experts, and here are the house rules they recommend to make kids feel safer at home, both physically and emotionally.

Kids are going to mess up, and even do super dumb things you never expected. As they grow up, those things might even have progressively more serious consequences. But they should know your reaction won’t change and that you are always there for them when they truly need it.

“The house rule that does the most for a child's safety at home is also the one parents most often forget to say out loud, which is, ‘There is nothing you could do or say that would mean you couldn't come to me,’” says Lisa Pion-Berlin, Ph.D., a licensed hypnotherapist, CEO of the nonprofit Parents Anonymous, and a mom of two.

“Children who grow up believing that certain kinds of mistakes or behaviors will hurt their relationship with a parent will most often stay silent when they need help most,” she says. “This applies to an 8-year-old who broke something they weren’t supposed to touch or a 15-year-old who finds themselves in a relationship or friendship that feels scary or confusing.”

Don’t wait for a problem to share that this rule exists. “Say it over dinner or at bedtime,” Dr. Pion-Berlin says. “Say it even after the small mistakes, because small mistakes are the rehearsal for the big ones.” The first time they test this rule out, praise them for telling you so they can see your response reflects the importance of the rule.

Take it one step further: Come up with a code word or phrase so kids can tell you they need an out without explanation, whether it’s from a tricky or uncomfortable situation or because they had an accident. Titania Jordan, online child safety expert, Chief Parent Officer/CMO at Bark Technologies, and author of Parenting in a Tech World and Parental Control says this works with phrases like “Can you feed the dog?” or even just an emoji. “That means, ‘Come get me now. Don’t ask questions yet. Just give me an out,’” she says.

It might be the dinner table. It might be the family movie couch. Wherever you designate—or even pick together—as sacred spaces, make these “tech-free hubs,” says Jim Festante, executive director of Health-e-Habits, a nonprofit that helps kids have healthier online habits.

“Designate specific physical spaces (like the dinner table or the car) as permanently tech-free,” he says. “This isn't framed as a punishment, but as a protective boundary to ensure human connection isn't extracted by the Attention Economy. Kids crave moments where the pressure of the digital world is paused.”

Take it one step further: Public charging stations where everyone can dock their devices help. “Devices do not sleep in bedrooms,” Festante says. “They charge overnight in a central, public location like the kitchen. This makes kids feel safer by removing the late-night pressure to respond to messages and breaking the 24/7 infinite loop of the internet before they go to sleep.”

Michelle Harris, psychotherapist, parenting coach, and founder of Parenting Pathfinders says this rule can come in handy when someone is expressing a big (or angry!) feeling, and it comes out in a harmful way like hitting others.

“It’s important for kids to know that they don’t have to hide their feelings, even the big and uncomfortable ones,” she says. “By establishing this rule, you communicate that your child’s emotions aren’t something to be ashamed of; they’re valid and worthy of attention.

“However,” Harris adds, “welcoming all feelings does not mean welcoming all behaviors. For example, it’s ok to feel angry, frustrated, disappointed, or jealous—but it’s not ok to hurt someone’s body, feelings, or things because you’re experiencing those emotions.”

Take it one step further: Teach ways kids can express behaviors such as anger, rather than just what they can’t do. For example, let them know they can express that they are angry, and even who they are angry at, says Siggie Cohen, Ph.D., child development specialist and author of You Are The Parent, and can even say it firmly or with expression.

It might be passwords. It might be which Wi-Fi network belongs to the house. It might be your address, phone number, age, or other private information. But having a house rule regarding what is “private” and nobody shares can save kids from awkward interactions and can also keep everyone in the home safer.

Devorah Heitner, author of Growing Up in Public: Coming of Age in a Digital World, suggests this family rule. “Kids feel weird about saying no and like it would be rude,” she says. “For the youngest kids, it's okay to say something like, ‘My parents say I'm only allowed to add family,’ even if that isn't strictly true.”

Take it one step further: In addition to making a rule around info you do and don’t share and with whom, you can regularly review contacts with kids, Heitner adds.

You may have heard the classic “treat others how you’d want to be treated,” but a house rule specifically aligned to how you speak can have big impacts on the home’s overall vibe. I know because I had to implement this rule with my own five kids, ages 3–11, recently, after noticing a spike in commentary that just wasn’t…productive. A kid would egg on a younger kid who was already upset. Someone would make a comment about someone’s body. And it was all too much. So now, the rule “Is it helpful?” comes up frequently, and kids are even asking it of each other without me stepping in now.

Take it one step further: Define what “helpful” speaking looks like. It builds others up. It makes the person feel better or improves the situation. Give examples and rephrase unhelpful comments with kids until they get the hang of it themselves.

Remember, no family will be perfect with new rules (or old ones, for that matter). Cohen says, “While there are plenty of family rules posters out there, like no hitting or kicking, kind words, or clean up your toys, a family is more than just a system and a structure.”