Why It Seems Like Your Teen Won’t Talk to You—and How to Get Them to Open Up

If you have a teen, you know how difficult it can be to get them to talk, as in saying more than “okay,” “good,” and “I’m hungry.” Yet, when they’re talking to their friends, people on social media, other relatives, or even AI, it’s like they won’t shut up!

Part of the reason they're so free with others is that this is normal at this stage of life. “Developmentally, teens are naturally inclined to pull away from their parents,” says Caroline Danda, Ph.D., a clinical child psychologist and co-author of From Surviving to Vibing: Filling in the Gaps: Tips and Tricks for Tweens, Teens, and Young Adults (and Their Parents). “It's an evolutionary drive,” she explains. “They’re supposed to connect and form stronger connections with their peers so they can go out on their own.”

But as much as it hurts, we also sometimes do or say things that make teens less likely to come to us. If you want a closer relationship and better communication with your teen, avoid these mistakes that can make it harder for them to talk to you.

If your teen mentions an issue they’re having, you may immediately go into mama bear mode. “Our instinct oftentimes is to fix it, ‘Well, have you tried…?’ ‘Do you want to…?’ or ‘Should I call?’” says Jeannine Jannot, Ph.D., a child and developmental psychologist and author of The Disintegrating Student: Struggling But Smart, Falling Apart, and How to Turn It Around. But teens don’t always want a solution. So, if that’s your go-to, they may stop mentioning their problems. “Some really good advice that I've heard for many years and recommend is to ask your child, ‘Do you want help from me? Do you want a hug? Or do you just want to be heard?’” says Dr. Jannot. That allows your teen to express what they need in the moment.

Comments like “Back in my day…” or “This generation is so lazy” can make your teen feel misunderstood and judged. “They’re going to say, ‘Yep, you don’t get it,’” Dr. Danda says. So they won’t want to talk or listen to you.

Instead of making negative assumptions because things are different or you don’t understand, ask questions. “Get curious and try to understand where your teen is coming from,” Dr. Danda says. “If they feel like you’re at least trying to understand, it opens the door for more conversation and communication.”

Yes, social media has a huge influence. But try to avoid thinking that everything your teen does or says comes from TikTok. “If you automatically assume that any problem is due to social media or being online, that’s going to shut the conversation down,” says Amy McCready, founder of Positive Parenting Solutions and author of The Me, Me, Me Epidemic: A Step-by-Step Guide to Raising Capable, Grateful Kids in an Over-Entitled World. It can also make your teen think you believe they don’t have a mind of their own.

This is another area where curiosity is the best move. Instead of assuming, McCready recommends saying something like, “Oh, that’s interesting” or “Tell me more.”

“Whether you’re sharing with family members or on social media, sharing your teen’s business erodes trust immediately,” McCready says. “It basically says to the teen that ‘I can’t trust this person,’” she says. So, when something big comes up, they may not come to you because they worry you’ll tell others.

That’s not to say you can’t ever mention your teen. Just be thoughtful about what you say. “Remember your 15-year-old self and ask if you would want this information shared,” McCready says. You could also ask your teen what information they’re okay with you sharing and what they prefer you keep to yourself.

You may not even notice you do this one. “Right around the time when the stakes start to get a little higher education-wise, parents oftentimes kind of shift into a managerial mode with their kids versus a supportive, collaborative role,” Dr. Jannot notes. That means you may do more micromanaging and reminding, like “Did you finish that essay?” or “Don’t forget to...” Although well-intentioned, it's annoying and makes teens feel like you don’t trust them to handle things on their own. So, they may stay quiet about what's happening in their life.

Dr. Jannot says to prioritize connection over reminders. “Try to get in the habit where the first thing you say to your kid is something like, ‘I’m so happy to see you,’” she says. Then simply enjoy your time together. When your teen knows that every interaction won’t be a to-do list, they’ll feel more comfortable talking to you.

If your teen says they’re feeling anxious or depressed, it may be a knee-jerk reaction to say “You’re fine” or “Stop overreacting.” But those responses make it less likely your teen will open up to you again because they’ll feel you don’t take them seriously, Dr. Danda says. Instead of trying to convince your teen that they don’t (or shouldn’t) feel the way they do, get curious. Say something like, “I’m sorry you’re feeling that way. Tell me more.” That invites an honest conversation so you know what’s really going on.

Although we’re talking about teens being more forthcoming with parents, that doesn’t mean they have to share every detail of their life. Wanting privacy is part of becoming independent. If you treat that as a reason to read their texts or track their every move, it can make them guarded. “When you start violating that trust, they will be sneaking more,” McCready says. Her advice: give your teen more opportunities to make decisions and show they can handle greater responsibility.

“One of the hardest and most important things we need to do is create a safe environment for the truth,” McCready says. If your teen knows you’ll flip out when they’re honest, they’ll turn to a friend or AI chatbot instead. McCready recommends teaching teens phrases like, “I need to tell you something, but I’m afraid you’ll be upset” or “I made a mistake and I want to be honest about it.” That gives you a moment to pause so you keep your emotions in check.

Being grateful for your teen’s honesty doesn’t mean there aren’t consequences. “You can open with, ‘Thank you for telling me. I appreciate that and know it was hard,’” says Dr. Danda, “and then address any problem behavior.”