‘We're more intimate than ever after 53 years together - this is the reason why’

Miranda Levy says...

My husband and I have just had sex for the second time in a week. ‘Get us,’ I say. ‘We’ve just hit the national average.’

‘Average?’ he says. ‘Who are you calling average?’

I reassure Jeremy that I’m not casting aspersions on his performance. Indeed, we have what you might call a lusty sex life by normal fiftysomething standards. Okay, we aren’t jumping each other in public, but barely a week goes by when we aren’t intimate – sometimes twice. ‘Don’t you know that’s what all the studies say?’ I reply. ‘That the average couple has sex twice a week. Everyone knows that.’

I’ve been writing about relationships for over 30 years. Somehow, in the same way we believe a person must sleep for the ‘magic number’ of eight hours a night, eight times a month for sex has also become received wisdom. But before you shriek with inadequate despair, it might be worth unpacking this statistic a little more.

Susan Quilliam is a relationships expert and founder of the Torn Project (thetornproject.com), which deals with inner conflict. In 2008, Susan rewrote the infamous 1970s tome The Joy Of Sex. ‘The twice-a-week statistic comes from one particular survey,’ she says, ‘and to use this as the benchmark really is no longer useful.’

The study in question was influential because it came from the renowned Kinsey Institute – a US establishment that revolutionised how the world looked at sex in the 1940s. Alfred Kinsey’s controversial studies were among the first to discuss intimate relationships at a time when topics like homosexuality, premarital sex and female sexuality were rarely discussed publicly. Even though this particular Kinsey Report is from 1953 – back in the days when stay-at-home wives answered the door in their pinnies to fix their husbands a cocktail when they got home from work – seminal research like this is still discussed today and often used as a benchmark.

More recent research paints a less libidinous picture. The long-running US General Social Survey found that married couples living together were having sex 16 fewer times a year in 2010-14 than they had a decade earlier.

To get a sense of how often people in Britain are having sex, we should perhaps turn to the National Survey of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles (Natsal), one of the world’s largest studies of sexual behaviour. The most recent findings were published in 2019 and found that the average Briton had sex around three times a month. Frequency declined with age, however: people aged 45-54 reported having sex about twice a month, while those aged 55-64 reported about once a month. Even in the original Kinsey research, adults aged 18-29 reported having sex about 111 times a year, while those aged 40-49 averaged around 69 times. (It appears that the over-50s weren’t even deemed worthy of discussion back in 1953.)

Some more context: while I’m 58 and Jeremy is 56, we only married last August. We were together for seven years before tying the knot, but our relationship was a transatlantic one and the excitement probably hasn’t worn off yet. Most middle-aged couples in a longer relationship probably aren’t having sex as much as we are.

‘It’s entirely predictable that couples have less sex as their relationship matures,’ says Susan. ‘The biological imperative to have children has ended. However, society has expectations and a couple can feel a failure for not living up to them, so a drop-off in a couple’s sex drive may be dressed up as a crisis.’

A sex slowdown can be an indication of deeper issues. Towards the end of her marriage, Danielle* noticed she and her husband were having less sex. ‘We were only in our early 40s but becoming physically distant,’ she says. ‘Our two young children were finally sleeping through the night so we were less tired, yet there was no real desire between us. I felt we had to keep up a batting average of once a month to keep our marriage alive – but really, it was just a sticking plaster for our incompatibility.’

Others feel that – in an otherwise healthy marriage – working to keep the sex flame alive is vital. ‘It’s very easy to end up with a to-do list on which physical intimacy with your partner becomes less of a priority,’ says broadcaster and former agony aunt Mariella Frostrup. ‘For an awful lot of people, sex slips by the wayside. For me, [a healthy sex life] is really important because it’s what stops you just being best friends. In midlife, you go through a period when you’re not driven by the same impulses and you’re not having sex because of overwhelming passion but for a different, maybe more profound, reason: the intimacy. Diarising sex works for me because, if I know that’s what I’m doing on a particular day, it can be something I look forward to.’

If the idea of ‘diarising sex’ makes you lose the will to live, worry not. The pressure to keep sexually active doesn’t work for everyone – and could actually add stress. Sometimes, low-frequency sex is good sex. ‘Worrying too much about a sex slowdown can put pressure on couples who otherwise would be perfectly happy,’ says Susan.

Your libido as a couple will go in cycles, she says. And, ultimately, the national ‘average’ is irrelevant to each of our unique relationships. Our own sex lives aren’t the sum of other people’s. Frequency is influenced by many factors, from ill health to long to-do lists – and in our case, being in a new marriage helps.

‘When it comes to what’s “normal”, there’s no such thing,’ says Sheri Jacobson, retired psychotherapist and founder of Harley Therapy. ‘The word “normal” is often defined by what the bulk of people do. But “normal” shifts across the period people live in, cultures and age groups. Everything is okay, and nothing is strange, as long as it works for you and your partner.’

So, Jeremy and I will happily pursue our own, individual happy average - as and when the mood takes us.

*NAME HAS BEEN CHANGED

'This saved our sex life'

GH readers reveal how they’ve reignited the fire and stayed sexually connected, even after decades together...

‘We’ve been together for 53 years and enjoy a vibrant and full sex life. We use a variety of sex toys and lubricants and have sex at least once a week, which has increased since we retired.’

‘My partner and I meet up in crazy places at night like lovers. It’s made our intimate life awesome.’

'Twelve years ago, we were going through a challenging period, juggling small children and work and managing on very little sleep. We both felt tired, irritable and unloved, which came to a head in an emotional conversation. We agreed to have sex once a week and have kept it up, ensuring we feel physically and emotionally connected and loved. It’s a good relationship model for our children, even if they get embarrassed by the “Do not disturb” sign on the bedroom door!’

‘The secret is that, even after 39 years, we don’t live together. My partner arrives each Thursday afternoon for our weekend together and leaves on Monday morning.’

Our sex life has changed throughout our 25-year relationship. At one stage, this involved watching sex movies; later, it was playing “games”. Now my partner is almost 80, we’re taking all the time we need, and enjoy hotel rooms.’

‘We’ve been married over 40 years but, due to health issues on both sides, have a loving but sexless marriage. We are very happily married and the secret is that we’ve always been friends, have a lot of shared interests and always settle an argument before bed.’

‘Our secret is talking, talking and talking some more! We’re affectionate, always touching and holding hands, as the more time we spend together, the closer we feel, both emotionally and sexually. Massage and using a vibrator together have also been positive steps.’