Regina F. Lark’s mom loves beautiful things. From Lark’s childhood and into adulthood, her mom took part in a steady cycle: She’d collect books, art, clothing, and homewares out of a mix of affection and need, and then enlist her four children to help shed these items before an impending move. “She always managed to accumulate what she believed she loved, needed in the moment, or could use at some point later on,” Lark says.
Lark is the CEO of A Clear Path, a cleaning and organization service that focuses on projects related to hoarding remediation, chronic disorganization, and estate clearing. But when Lark was tasked with cleaning out her mother’s home last year, the weight of the work was personal—and she knows she’s not alone in facing the challenge of a parent who needs to downsize.
“My mom’s partner of 10 years died suddenly, and she had to vacate their residence in a fairly short period of time,” Lark says. She, her sisters, and their mom made two goals in the aftermath. First, they’d move their mom from her large house into a one-bedroom apartment besides Lark’s home in Long Beach, California. Second, they’d try to make it happen without relying on the additional expense of a storage unit.
“My biggest lesson is realizing that decluttering with a parent is often not about the stuff—it can be about grief, identity, safety, or something else entirely,” Lark says. Here’s how she cleaned out her mom’s home, and the three lessons she learned along the way.
Meet Your Parents Where They Are
Typically, Lark and her team work room by room in a client’s home, deciding over time what can be kept, donated, and trashed. While this was also true in her mom’s case, Lark needed to move her out of the existing home quickly. So they didn’t have as much time as Lark would’ve liked, and her mom struggled with the prospect of going from 1,600 square feet to a one-bedroom apartment. In the beginning, Lark’s mom placed everything she wanted to keep within the garage for ease, and a few days before the move, Lark got on the phone with her.
“She had a lot of fear of the unknown, and she was having a very, very difficult time letting go,” Lark said. Instead of pushing her mom to pull it together, Lark met her mom where she was.
“So, when we were on the phone, I said, ‘Mom, don’t tell the girls [Lark’s sisters], but let me rent a nearby storage unit, we’ll move all your stuff there, and then you and I can take the time to go through it as you begin to feel better,” Lark remembers. “She loved that plan.” Making this concession helped Lark’s mom in the moment—even though Lark hoped they wouldn’t have to take this step. It’s one thing to understand that things are changing, but another thing to accept it.
Support Them as the Process Unfolds
One of the hardest aspects of helping a parent declutter or downsize is that the roles tend to reverse—the adult child often wants to take control of a situation the parent is used to overseeing. To keep the peace, try to take the role of a side character until your parent gets more comfortable.
“You are going to support their decision-making,” Lark says. “Start by asking questions instead of giving directions, like saying, ‘Tell me about this,’ or ‘How do you want your home to function now?’”
Lark notes that you’ll want the parent to be able to see progress being made, so clearly define the “keep,” “donate,” and “trash” piles and encourage them to continue. “Work in small areas so progress feels achievable rather than overwhelming,” she says. Don’t forget that you’ll also want piles for items that should stay in the family (think family heirlooms or sentimental pieces), and other pieces, especially solid-wood furniture, that could be sold.
She also recommends taking more time than a customary weekend to scale back a parent’s items, since emotions will likely run high. Don’t assume you know what matters to your parent, Lark notes, and do your best to give them space to make their own decisions. “When the process respects autonomy and moves at a humane pace, families preserve dignity, reduce conflict, and make better long-term decisions together,” she says.
Make the Final Decisions, But Have Your Parent’s Input
Once Lark saw how full the garage was of items her mom wanted to keep, she decided to become more hands-on. “My mother was overwhelmed and grieving, and I came to understand that my role wasn’t simply to help organize belongings, but to step into a leadership role she temporarily couldn’t hold for herself,” Lark says.
As her mom was busy decluttering a room inside her home, Lark made stricter boundaries around what could go to her new address and what couldn’t. For instance, since this apartment doesn’t have a yard, her mom didn’t need yard equipment. Before each item was carted away, Lark let her mom have final say—or one last goodbye. For particularly sentimental pieces that no longer made sense to hold onto, like large furniture, they took photos as keepsakes.
“I knew, after visiting with her for many years, that most of these items had not been used for a really long time,” Lark says, mentioning things like cooking pots, garden supplies, and books. “But I think the biggest mistake adult children can make is moving too fast. What looks like stuff to you often represents identity, independence, and memory to them.”
Lastly, pay attention to paperwork or pieces that may not seem to hold value, since items like financial records may be important in the future. Put those details to one side, and go through them carefully. “When people feel rushed or overruled, trust erodes and the process becomes harder,” Lark says. “And if you feel that you are in over your head, don’t try to do this without professional help. Find a professional organizer or senior move manager in your area.”
Embrace the Lessons
After a lot of work, Lark’s mother moved into her new one-bedroom apartment and didn’t need that extra storage unit after all. Her mom admits that the entire process was incredibly painful, but she’s come to peace with letting go of her belongings. “I learned that lighter is easier and caring for objects is not as important as caring for people,” she says.
As for Lark, she learned that the emotional aspects of the project required more care than the physicalones, which is why she encourages families to try to accomplish these tasks proactively—not when everyone is under pressure.
“What really struck me was how much of the work was invisible: managing emotions, choosing the right moment for hard conversations, and holding on to the bigger picture,” she says. “When we talk openly about belongings, legacy, and future living arrangements ahead of time, the process becomes gentler for everyone involved.”
Kelly Dawson is a writer, editor and marketing consultant. Her work has appeared in the New York Times, Architectural Digest, Travel + Leisure and other publications.
