If Your Kids Do These "Bad" Things, It Could Actually Be a Sign of Good Parenting

It’s day four of a long weekend off school that feels like a month. One more kid hits me with “Mom, I’m borrreeeed.” Somewhere from the depths of my mental archive of parenting advice from Instagram, I can hear an expert saying, “Good.” This means I’ve achieved the level of parenting where, in spite of modern technology, constant sporting events, and overscheduling, we’ve found the place where a kid has to make their own fun. I can almost feel a gold star being stamped in the “great parenting” column, opposite the “not too great” parenting column, which has marks for losing my cool, such as when one more kid whines.

Dr. Becky Kennedy, a clinical psychologist and founder of Good Inside, shares that this phrase, along with multiple other things kids say and do, might seem like a problem at first, but are actually a sign of great parenting. But before we start giving ourselves stars, or guilting out all over our mess-up list, she recommends we “ground ourselves in the fact that our kids’ behavior isn’t a barometer of our parenting…because evidence of solid parenting doesn’t always look like compliance or politeness. In fact, it often looks messier than that.”

Here are the real-world scenarios and commentary that actually just might mean you are doing a great job after all—or that your kid is just being a kid, and often that they feel safe enough to be themselves with you.

The first time my own child said they hated me, as a pre-pre-teen, it hit me like a brick. I took a beat and tried to quickly get over the idea that I was never going to be a parent whose bratty, ungrateful kid said that to them—hadn’t I done better than that? Turns out it was a compliment in disguise.

“Kids say this when they're flooded and can't access their words for the real feeling underneath, usually hurt, disappointment, or feeling unheard,” Dr. Becky says. “The fact that they're saying it to you instead of internalizing it means they believe you can handle their big feelings. A kid who's terrified of their parent's reaction doesn't risk saying this.”

Think of it this way: Dr. Becky shares that you can validate a feeling for your kid while holding the boundary that they can’t be mean to others—in this case, you. She recommends giving the kid a “container” for their big feelings, or ways they can express their anger. “You can tell me you're mad,” she says. “You can cry. You can go to your room. You can punch a pillow. What you can't do is call people names or be mean."

You turn off your kid’s favorite show, and your kid goes into a full-blown meltdown (or “crash out,” per the aforementioned preteens). “Good,” Dr. Becky says. “If your child calmly accepted it and walked away? That might mean they're complying from fear, not learning to tolerate disappointment. But this meltdown? It means they trust you…they believe the relationship survives their worst moment.”

While any parent can attest to how inconvenient, difficult, or even obnoxious it is to deal with these tantrums, expecting them and associating them with solid parenting might help you brace for them before you communicate the boundary.

Think of it this way: Reframe this as a compliment that your child feels close enough and comfortable enough to you to share their real feelings with you—to “fall apart” in your presence, Dr. Becky says.

They broke your favorite vase. They smashed a window. They wrecked the car. Our kids have plenty of these moments, ranging from stealing a gummy bear as a toddler to drinking at a party in high school. And the moment they bring their mistake to you, you might feel like a failure. Why would they lie, cheat, steal, or be that careless?

“We’ve been taught that “good parenting” produces kids who are always honest, well-behaved, and make good choices,” Dr. Becky says. “So when a child messes up, it can feel like proof that something has gone wrong. But that framing misses something deeper.”

Think of it this way: Dr. Becky says to separate the two things happening—the behavior itself, and your child’s willingness to tell you it happened. “And that second piece? That’s the part that reflects your parenting.” Tell the kids you are proud they fessed up, and be proud of yourself that you raised kids who do.

As someone who prides myself on understanding and deeply knowing my kids, like most moms, this one really gets under my skin. Dr. Becky worked with a 14-year-old’s mother who was dealing with this commentary. “The mom's gut reaction was defensiveness,” she says. “But she paused and recognized this wasn't disrespect—it was her teenager expressing that she felt unseen.” Her example helps take the blame off the parent, and moves the focus back on to the child’s needs, which we can then try to meet.

Think of it this way: If they’re telling you that you don’t get it, it means they believe it’s possible for you to see them eventually. The mom in Dr. Becky’s example tried saying, “You're right, I probably don't understand everything. Tell me what I'm missing." She had good results: “That conversation shifted everything,” Dr. Becky says. “The rudeness dissolved because the real need to be seen got addressed.”

At the heart of this is that no parent wants an ungrateful child, and the moment they open a gift, which was likely purchased with care and thoughtfulness, seems like the ultimate test of this. But, as one of Dr. Becky’s clients found on their 10-year-old’s birthday, it doesn’t always go like you think it will. “I don’t want this! This isn’t cool!” the kid said. Cue panic from any parent who has ever opened presents with a kid.

“The parent's first instinct was to punish, make the child apologize, teach them gratitude,” Dr. Becky says. But this moment is actually one that we can see as a compliment to our parenting—our child feels comfortable being honest with us, and that they don’t have to pretend.

Think of it this way: Of course, honesty only works when it’s framed politely. Dr. Becky recommends saying, “‘Your honesty matters to me. And I also want to talk about how to share that kind of thing in a way that feels kind to the other person.’ The child wasn't being taught gratitude—they were being taught how to honor their feelings and other people's feelings at the same time.”

And a few tips on how to handle any difficult reaction, behavior, or words from your kid

Regardless of what your kid says, we can expect one thing—they will continue to surprise even the “best” parents (if there is such a thing) with their words and actions. Dr. Becky has a list for you to try when any of these come up, to help you react even when you feel your parenting is in question:

• Validate the feeling, interrupt the behavior. "I know you're really upset. And I'm not going to let you talk to your sister that way."
• Be clear about what *is* okay. Give them other options.
• Don't shame them for the feeling itself. If you say, "Don't be so angry," you're teaching them anger is bad. If you say, "I see you're angry, and here's what we do with that," you're teaching them anger is information.
• Model this yourself. When you're angry at your kid, don't pretend you're not. Say, "I'm feeling really frustrated right now, and I need to take a breath before we talk about this." You're showing them that anger is manageable, not something to hide or act out.

In the end, we are trying not to equate their choices with our parenting skills. Instead, Dr. Becky says our job is to communicate: “Your feelings are welcome here. Your honesty is safe. You can be yourself with me."