5 Creative Ways Families Divide the Invisible Load

Over the years, I’ve had many a conversation with my neighbors about household division of labor, mostly involving the “invisible load” of parenting. Those chats might be whispered complaints among moms at a prolonged mailbox stop or dads grabbing a drink on the porch and sharing how their last spat with their wives centered around who's doing more. It seems like the same conversations cycle through the households on repeat, with just slight variations in details. And I can relate—I’m raising my own five kids, navigating their care with my partner/husband.

Shockingly, some families seem to have at least some of this work-life juggle figured out. One neighbor couple alternates which parent puts their kids to bed; another chases their high-needs child in shifts, so the other parent can take a break. In these cases, parents have found creative ways to divide the invisible load, in pursuit (knowingly or not) of what author Eve Rodsky calls “Fair Play,” a concept which sometimes uses a deck of cards with different tasks on them to physically represent who has more responsibilities in a relationship. When I spoke to Rodsky, she shed light on what some of these even-split couples might be doing right.

Rodsky stressed that a 50/50 split of each task may not be possible for some, and may not accomplish a feeling of equity for others. “What is equal is not always fair, and what's fair is not always equal,” she says. “What matters the most is that it feels fair, not that it’s exactly 50/50.”

“If we’re looking at things like dishes, laundry, nighttime routine, a 50/50 split doesn't always work,” she says. “Some tasks hold much more weight and are more time-intensive than others.” Also, if one partner works more hours or a swing shift, they might be holding fewer tasks than their partner, but it's important that they still hold their fair share of tasks.” But, she adds, where it’s important to get as close to equal time as possible is in the area of “unicorn space”—everyone should have time for pursuits that bring them happiness.

But how does Rodsky’s vision actually look in practice? I found five families around the country who are using creative methods to achieve their own version of fairness.

Many parents have heard of the concept of a check-in meeting to go over what’s working and not, upcoming tasks, and get feelings out.

Lindsay Daudistel, mom of eight and busy CEO of Optimized Senior Living and Senior Joy Box near Cincinnati, says, “Communication is key. We start each day with the same basics in responsibilities, then have a daily ‘inventory and logistics’ meeting going through our checklists and tackling the day as a team.”

Their meetings are at 5:30 a.m., before the kids wake up, and involve time for “meditation, movement, reading, and always coffee together.” She says it’s the perfect time to discuss what kids are in the house throughout the day, how the day will flow, and which parent is driving which child and where.

A daily meeting can increase communication frequency and allow for last-minute changes that you wouldn’t be able to account for at a weekly meeting, such as work obligations that have popped up or sports practices changing. But if that’s too much, Sydney Bennett, a pediatric occupational therapist and co-founder of BabyFIT Providers, says even a weekly 10-minute meeting with specific questions can help, as children’s needs change quickly. Says Bennett, “I encourage families to ask, ‘What’s working? What’s feeling heavy? What do we need more help with this week?’”

Another neighbor, mom of two Chloe Northcutt, points out that if she makes breakfast, her husband cleans up. If she does day-care pickup, he starts dinner. If she cleans up dinner, he does bedtime, and so on throughout the day. This type of back-and-forth alternating can work for some couples.

Other expert alternators split up some tasks then reunite for others, such as Liora Seltzer, a parent and professional organizer from Fair Lawn, NJ. “In the morning, I walk the dog, and he wakes up the kids,” she says. “We then divide up making breakfast and packing up lunches. In the evening when it's time to get ready for bed, I usually clean the kitchen and he takes the kids up to get ready for bed. Then we can both put the kids to bed.”

Across many conversations, even Expert Alternators seem to sometimes defer to having one partner handle an area of parenting they are inherently just good at. For example, Seltzer says, “My husband handles all sports-related activities including signing up, getting gear, scheduling carpools, inputting practices and games in the calendar.” I can relate to this. As a mom of four sons and a daughter who each love multiple sports, just figuring out the gear needs alone can be a heavy aspect of the mental load, one I’m glad my husband has more knowledge of. Conversely, Seltzer handles all medical-related tasks for the family, a strength of hers.

Of course, it’s a slippery slope—someone saying “oh you’re better at dishes so you should do those” can quickly take on an Unfair Play vibe. As Rodsky says, it’s important to continue to evaluate and make sure the split feels fair, even if one partner is “better” than the other at more tasks.

Also, it can be helpful to sometimes do the exact opposite. Angela Caiazza, a licensed marriage and family therapist at LifeStance Health in Oregon, says “skill swapping” can be a valuable practice, where you learn to do the opposite of your skill set. “Skill swapping includes cross-training,” she says. “For example, dad learns to braid hair while mom learns to repair the bikes, breaking traditional stereotypes. When life inevitably throws curveballs, a family system becomes more vulnerable. Skill-sharing creates resilient families who are more equipped when hardship strikes. No more, ‘I can't help, because I don't know how.’”

Dividing the invisible load applies to caregiving for family as well, and for Sarah Burk, parent and caregiver to her adult sister with complex medical needs in Oxford, it has been made much easier with technology. She says she can’t live without coordinating care using her Skylight calendar, a Wi-Fi-connected touchscreen smart display designed to serve as a shared family command center.

For Burk, the calendar is about more than keeping track of her sister's needs and medications—it’s about removing the mental load of communicating tasks completed and to be completed with others, such as her daughters who help. “This Skylight is really helpful with routines to make sure that routine medical care is happening,” she says. “For example, I have a tracheostomy and G-tube changes calendar. It also helps in case I missed the checklist on my phone, other people have eyes on it on the Skylight. For me, it [relieves] me having to repeat myself and maintain the mental energy of whether people actually listened and did what the directive was the first time. I love the nonverbal communication part of it.”

Many families use coordinated calendars, but Burk thinks it’s worth considering if some add-ons that more elaborate digital systems might offer could help caregivers. “Assigning stars that convert to reward points has been really motivating for the girls,” she says. “The import feature when you have the paid subscription is a game-changer because I’m not manually adding all of the MyChart appointments into the calendar—with one screenshot it will do it for me.”

Caiazza shares that some couples focus less on tasks themselves and are more in tune with who has the most energy, short or long term. “If one parent has an exceptionally challenging workday, then the other takes on dinner,” she says. “If one parent has an extra rough parenting day, then bedtime is delegated to the other parent for relief support.”

This also might change through the years. “There are seasons when one partner will have more or less emotional bandwidth, for example during grad school, when caring for aging parents, postpartum recovery, or illness,” she says. “A healthy couple asks, ‘Who has the capacity today?’ rather than, ‘Who did more this week?’ This shift alone can transform resentment into empathy.”

In pursuit of specific solutions that work for your family, Rodsky says parents should seek to adopt communication around the mental load as a practice, not a one-time fix, similar to exercising regularly. “You can't go to the gym once and expect results,” she says. “The same is true for how you run your home.” If you want to change how things are handled in your family, you have to keep practicing the hard conversations and testing the systems you put in place until you figure out what actually works.” Yet, there are a few practices she finds helpful for most families, including protecting free time for each family member to have “unicorn space,” which is something that brings you joy personally.

“The fact that we are having this conversation right now, with people sharing resources on the invisible load, shows just how much things have changed,” she adds. “We still have a long way to go, but as we see more and more dads step up and share their own journeys publicly, it is genuinely encouraging.”