One of the Best Things You Can Do for Your Kid? Let Them See You Rest

My 3-year-old never asks me what I'm doing. He doesn't really have to, since so much of what I do looks repetitive to him. I'm making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for his lunch. I’m wiping down the counter. I’m carrying a laundry basket upstairs. I’m sitting beside him while he splashes around in the bath. The things I’m doing are constant and visible, and he sees it the way most kids do, which means barely noticing, yet completely absorbing.

So when I sat down to rest one afternoon before starting dinner, he looked up and asked, "Mommy, what are you doing?" It made me pause.

I told him my body needed to relax for a few minutes. And honestly, he seemed confused. He asked follow-up questions. “Why? Can you play with me?” It was clear he noticed because it was unfamiliar. And I realized that without meaning to, I had been showing him, every single day, what it looks like to be an adult who never stops.

I'm deliberate about modeling other things. I tell him I'm sharing with his baby sister because it makes her happy. I tell him I'm exercising because it makes me feel healthy and strong. I put my phone down and say I'm done with work for the day. But rest? I hadn't thought to show him that one. And apparently, it was evident.

We're loaded with parenting advice and information these days. Get your children into activities like soccer, art, and gymnastics. But don't overschedule. Make sure they're getting enough sleep for their age. Encourage independent play and play with them. But also, let them be bored. It’s a lot to take in, but it also all has its place.

Here's what gets talked about less: What are our kids absorbing from us as we go about our lives on any given day?

"Kids are constantly learning about adulthood by watching us," says Kylie Hempy, a licensed marriage and family therapist. "If they see us cleaning, answering emails, multitasking, or feeling guilty anytime we sit down, they absorb that too."

Decades of research on child development support what most parents already sense, which is that kids learn quite a bit through observation and modeled behavior, often even more than through direct instruction.

No, this doesn't mean you suddenly need to carve out a two-hour midday nap (although, if you can, that does sound lovely). It can start much smaller than that.

"In a family, there is never a time when everything is 'done,'" Hempy says. "If 'being done' is the requirement for rest, kids may learn that rest isn't something adults are allowed to have."

The laundry is a never-ending cycle. Dishes need to be washed. Snacks need to be ordered. Library books returned and permission slips sent in. The list never fully clears, and most parents know it. So what would it look like to relax anyway?

A friend of mine came to mind when I found myself wondering whether my son had ever seen me rest. She has two boys, 4 and 7, and I've watched her model this in what seems like an effortless way. They all read their own books together. She'll nap with her younger one on a weekend afternoon. I've received photos in our text chain of her curled on the couch with a mug of coffee while her kids play nearby. Rest is a part of how their days look.

I panicked for a moment, wondering if I'd waited too long to model rest in our home. But of course, it's never too late to start.

Showing your children there’s time and space for rest doesn't have to be a spa day or a grand gesture.

"Modeling rest well can be extremely simple," Hempy says. "It might be vocalizing, 'I'm tired, so I'm going to sit and read for 20 minutes.' It might be sitting outside while your kids play instead of finding another task to complete. It might mean having a slower Saturday morning or letting the dishes stay in the sink while you watch a show."

And that vocalizing piece matters more than it might seem. When you name what you're doing and why, rest becomes visible and real to your kids. When I really think back on it, most of the time I rest is either when my kids have napped or been in bed for the night, so they aren’t seeing it happen as part of a normal day.

A few simple ways to start:

• Sit nearby while your kids play instead of tidying or doing things around them
• Read a book or do a crossword puzzle
• Say out loud something like, "My body needs to rest for a little bit; I'm going to sit here and listen to music for a few minutes"
• Plan time in your schedule that leaves room for slowness

The goal is simply to let your kids see you rest, even if it's sitting on the floor for a few minutes and saying why.

If I'm being honest, I'm guilty of the guilt. Whenever my kids are occupied for a few minutes, I'm getting ahead on something, like prepping the coffee maker for the next morning, putting toys away, or wiping down a counter. Staying ahead does help me feel less overwhelmed. But there's something to be said for figuring out how to feel like things are in check and still choosing to just be for a few minutes.

"Guilt is a feeling, not necessarily evidence that you're doing something wrong," Hempy says. "Sometimes guilt shows up because you're doing something differently."

She also offers the reframe that’s stayed with me: "Most parents I work with would never say, 'I hope my daughter grows up believing she has to exhaust herself before she's allowed to rest,' but we sometimes unintentionally model exactly that."

Before kids, I loved doing things like reading, watching a show, sitting with a cup of coffee and nowhere to be. Those things don't have to disappear entirely. They just look different now. Smaller, maybe. Less frequent, for sure. But purposeful still counts.

Hempy's advice for parents who want to start is simple: pick one small, specific, visible habit and commit to it this week.

Tell your kids you're tired and you're going to close your eyes for a few minutes while they look at their books. Say out loud that it's been a busy few days and you're going to find some quiet time this afternoon. Put on a show, lie on the couch, and let them see you do it without apologizing for it.

"Try not to immediately justify it or apologize for it," Hempy says. "It's powerful for kids to see that taking care of yourself is part of taking care of a family."

That's the whole thing, really. No lifestyle overhaul or perfectly balanced schedule. Instead, let a few minutes, in plain sight, show your kids what it looks like to be a person who rests.