If you were suddenly granted the magic power to say anything to your partner with no risk of hurt feelings or judgment what would you tell them? For a lot of women, the answer would be around sex bug it’s hard to be honest when it comes to sexual pleasure. There’s often a fear that your partner could take feedback as criticism, and then there's that tiny voice that tells us our desires are a bit silly or embarrassing, so we should just keep quiet and get on with it.
While the best route forward is to have an honest, open conversation with your partner, we’ve also asked a range of experts to share some of the things women wish their partners understood about sex – so you don’t have to.
Women’s desire tends to be responsive, not spontaneous
‘For many women, the conditions need to feel right for arousal and desire to kick in, as opposed to being spontaneous or unprompted,’ says sex and relationships psychotherapist Miranda Christophers. This is known as responsive desire, which includes needing to feel ‘emotionally connected, relaxed, safe, and that the environment, context and stimuli are right.’
‘I wish more women, and their partners, knew about responsive desire,’ adds Dr Laurie Mintz, a psychologist, sex therapist and the author of A Tired Woman’s Guide To Passionate Sex. ‘Especially as we age and our relationships last longer, women stop feeling spontaneously "horny" so using responsive desire is the only way to go.’
Women want to feel genuinely desired
‘Women report a sense of wishing to be more desired, rather than just available,’ says Anna Richards, the founder of ethical erotica platform FrolicMe. ‘There is a subtle but important difference between being someone your partner has sex with, versus someone your partner actively wants. Women often want more build-up, attention and intentional desire.’
The sex might not be as good as you think
It’s tempting to believe that no news is good news; that as long as your sexual partner hasn’t made any complaints or comments to the contrary, everything’s ticking along nicely. Data shows that isn’t always the case. ‘Don't assume everything is good,’ says Camilla Peterson, a researcher at the Kinsey Institute. ‘Research shows almost 60% of women have faked an orgasm. Some of the most common reasons were not wanting to hurt a partner’s feelings or feeling uncomfortable or embarrassed. Women may very well want to talk about sex but are struggling to.’
Psychosexual therapist and author of The Science of Sex Kate Moyle explains: ‘Persistently we see many women continuing to have sex which is painful and uncomfortable for them, and that they are not voicing this to their partners.’ This, she explains, can be a vicious cycle which can, ‘create a pattern of negative anticipation of sex, sexual anxiety, bracing and muscle tension, which can add to sex being more uncomfortable and a dampening of sexual.’
The answer? Open up the conversation. Ask a partner how sex really is for them and be ready to take the answer as an opportunity to experiment, not as an affront.
Lighten the domestic load
Lisa Bruton, a psychotherapist and Counselling Directory member, explains: ‘The experience of domesticity (co-habitation, marriage etc) tends to impact women’s desire much more than men’s, as the cultural scripts they inherit are different. For women, the role of mother, wife and so on can be de-eroticising, whereas it tends to be less so for men.' This means, says Lisa, that things which may seem unconnected (the division of domestic chores or who carries the “mental load”) could be having a negative impact.
Lisa explains that the more women feel burdened, the less likely they are to feel sexual. The more they feel the load is shared, the more likely they are to have space to be their erotic, adult self.
Women need to feel present
‘The single biggest obstacle to women's sexual pleasure isn't anatomical ignorance, though that's real too,’ says Charlotte Fox Weber, a psychotherapist and the author of What We Want: A Journey Through Twelve of Our Deepest Desires. ‘It's the inability to be psychologically present. Women are trained to monitor – how they look, how they sound, whether they're taking too long, whether their desire is excessive or insufficient.’ Charlotte says that this ‘internal surveillance’ can kill arousal and partners can help by creating a comfortable and supportive environment, so women can relax into the present.
Sometimes an orgasm isn’t on the cards - and that’s OK
‘One of the most persistent misconceptions is that sex naturally leads to orgasm for everyone involved,’ says Anna. ‘In reality, most women don’t climax from penetration alone; in fact only 20% claim to do so. For many couples, orgasm becomes the unspoken measure of success. Having an earth-shattering moment feels like the aim of the game. It’s why some women admit to faking a climax. Yet this focus can create pressure, making it harder to relax and enjoy the moment. When the emphasis shifts away from a specific outcome and towards shared experience, pleasure becomes much easier to access.’
Don’t make sex feel like something which ‘should’ be done
‘What people often overlook about women’s sexual pleasure is the weight of cultural scripts,’ explains Lisa. ‘We are socialised to believe women are "naturally" less sexual, framing sex as something women offer rather than something they want. As soon as sex becomes "dutiful" – a debt to be paid or a response to being "taken out to dinner" – women disconnect from their own bodies and fantasies. They stop being participants and start being providers.’
Lisa says that, in her practice, one of the most significant shifts she sees is when women ask themselves what they really like and answer honestly. ‘Without the pressure to act, women can move from a state of obligation to a state of genuine curiosity. This might look like starting to be curious about what turns them on, when do they feel most desirous, what is most attractive for them in a partner and so forth. Duty is the antidote to desire.’
Scheduling sex isn’t boring
‘Our lives are busy, we’re distracted, we have a million and one things to do. It is so unrealistic to think that in a long-term relationship you’re always going to be raring to go for sex,’ says Emma-Louise Boynton is the creator of Sex Talks and author of upcoming book Pleasure: The Reclamation of My Body. ‘It’s really important for you and a partner to be able to create the conditions in which you’re able to feel desiring. So that might be a date night. Or in a busy schedule, you actually set aside time in your diary to have sex, to create enough time to really get in the mood.’
Sex toys aren’t are a threat – they’re an aid
Dr Laurie wants more people to know that most women do not orgasm from penetration alone and that bringing a tool in can make a massive difference. ‘In my research with thousands of women, only 4% say that intercourse alone is their most reliable route to orgasm. The rest say their most reliable route is either penetration coupled with clitoral stimulation or clitoral stimulation alone. Vibrators are scientifically and medically supported tools for orgasm; in one study, 93% of women who had never had an orgasm were able to have an orgasm when given a clitoral vibrator. This also makes sense as our genitals have specific receptors for vibration.’
While some partners may feel intimidated by toys, Dr Laurie says it’s important to remember that, ‘vibrators are not addictive, don’t desensitise the clit and don’t replace men’. Research also shows that ‘women who use vibrators alone and with partners have more sexual and relationship satisfaction than those who only use tools alone.’ As we age, our nerve endings also become less sensitive, so other vibrators can be especially effective for older women.
Listen to what women want
‘One of the biggest stitch-ups in our romantic ideology is this idea that if you meet someone who really gets you, they will know how to love you in the way that you need,’ says Emma-Louise. ‘This is completely false. We need to be able to tell partners how to love us and how to give us the pleasure that we really desire.’
In reality, Emma-Louise says that most people are simply performing what they’ve done before, and it’s essentially guesswork. ‘It is so much better when you are able to say what you want, express your needs, show a partner how to love you right and how to give you the pleasure you want.’
