Too often, we only consider couples therapy once a marriage has reached a bad place. We see it as a last port of call, only for emergencies. In fact, having these conversations much earlier can prevent you and your partner from reaching that crisis point in the first place. To help you get the wisdom without the wait, we asked couples therapists for the questions they recommend every couple asks to lower their chances of divorce. Here’s what they said…
How can we get better at turning towards each other rather than away?
Relationship psychotherapist Debbie Keenan advises asking: ‘When I reach for you, emotionally or physically, how do you tend to respond, and how can we get better at turning toward each other rather than away?' She explains: ‘This matters because relationships thrive on small, everyday moments of connection. In therapy, a recurring issue is partners missing or dismissing these bids for closeness. Learning to consistently turn toward each other builds trust and resilience over time.’
Can we talk about that argument we had?
‘There is potential in trying to make sense of an argument after the event,’ says Joanna Harrison, couples’ therapist and author of Five Arguments All Couples (Need To) Have and Why the Washing Up Matters. ‘Often it gets avoided for fear of getting back into the argument again but if a couple can make a bit of time and space to go into a more reflective mode and talk about the argument they had, there is potential for each of them to learn something important. For example, if each asked each other: "you clearly felt strongly – what was it that was important to you about that?" then there is an opportunity to engage with each other and help each other feel more heard. If these questions don't get asked, then often resentments fester and build over time, leaving people more polarised.’
What makes you feel loved?
Couples’ therapist and Counselling Directory member Anna Kingsley says: ‘It’s deceptively simple. Many people assume their partner believes their affection is mutual, only to discover, sometimes years later, that their attempts to show love never quite landed. One person might crave the traditional acts of affection, while another feels most valued through shared time. In therapy, I often meet couples who keep missing the mark because they never talk about the subject.’
What would you like the next year to look like?
‘Love alone doesn’t fix misaligned visions – career priorities, lifestyle, kids, location, ambition, even pace of life,’ says Jane James, a Relate trained couples' therapist of 18 years. ‘If you don't ask this question then tension usually grows. Setting goals together, discussing hopes and dreams is very important and needs regular conversation.’
What do you need in this relationship to feel fulfilled?
‘Many couples drift into dissatisfaction simply because needs go unspoken,’ notes Debbie. ‘This question creates space to talk about emotional support, communication, affection, or even independence. It reflects a common theme in sessions, people often assume their partner “should just know,” which leads to resentment over time when needs aren’t met.’
What does a good sex life look like to you?
‘Sex is still the most avoided topic in relationships, and people usually bring it up only after the relationship is in trouble,’ advises Anna. ‘Expectations around frequency, intimacy, affection and exploration differ widely. When you don’t talk about these things, resentment creeps in. Sex isn’t everything, but when it becomes a tension point, it colours everything. Talking about it early and revisiting the conversation over time helps couples stay relaxed and connected rather than tense and upset.’
What is your model of what a relationship looks like?
Joanna advises: ‘Usually the model that people have of a relationship is of their parents, and it's so much part of their woodwork that often it isn't really noticed. But you both may have expectations of relationships based on the models you've grown up with. It's important to have those out on the table so that you can be more understanding of what each other's expectations are.’
What would you find unforgivable, and what is the best part of us being together?
Debbie says: ‘Pairing these ideas is powerful. Understanding each other’s boundaries prevents accidental harm and clarifies values. At the same time, naming what works well reinforces the bond and reminds both partners why they chose each other. In practice, couples often focus heavily on problems and forget to protect what is already strong.’
What mistakes did you make in your previous relationships and what did you learn from them?
‘What is not repaired, repeats,’ says couples counsellor Charlotte Deverell. ‘People often repeat relational patterns because it’s how they have learned how to love. It’s commonplace in therapy for individuals who are avoidant of their emotions or have not spent much time engaging in introspection to unknowingly find themselves repeating unhelpful patterns which can lead to separation. This is a good question to help someone identify if their partner has the ability and willingness to introspect, as well as helping them with the process if it is challenging. Relationships often break down where couples are unable to acknowledge their mistakes, both past and present, and truly hear what their partner is saying.’
Do you feel desired and appreciated?
‘Lack of physical and emotional intimacy is one of the main topics that comes up in couples counselling,’ Jane explains. ‘One or both of the couple feel unloved and neglected sexually. This lowers self-esteem and confidence. It can lead to affairs.
Often this starts with lack of attention and affection. Stopping something you used to do in the beginning of the relationship. A kiss or hug hello and goodbye. Cuddles on the sofa, saying I love you. Or holding hands.’
How can we argue better?
‘Conflict is inevitable,’ says Anna. ‘It’s how a couple handles it that matters. In sessions, I often see pairs caught in familiar loops – criticism met with defensiveness, or withdrawal followed by simmering resentment. The partnerships that endure aren’t the ones without arguments but the ones where both people can tolerate disagreement without making each other feel unheard.’
When do you feel most connected to me?
Charlotte notes: ‘It is very common for couples to find themselves in therapy because of disconnection and mismatched desire. A common theme is that many couples, particularly busy ones, fail to prioritise spending quality time together in long term relationships and don’t recognise the importance of emotional intimacy in maintaining healthy intimacy and a happy sex life. Learning how and when your partner feels most connected to you gives you an opportunity to prioritise these moments and build them into your calendar.’
Can we check in on each other's mental load?
You really do need to talk about the washing up. ‘The invisible aspects that are held by each person in a relationship go unseen but can bring up resentments,’ says Joanna, ‘Bringing them out mutually out into the open is really important. Often I see women who feel that the load they carry goes unacknowledged but often there are things both partners keep to themselves that weigh heavily. When couples are curious about all that they carry, seen and unseen, it builds intimacy and is an important way of making sure resentments don't build up. Nothing corrodes a relationship like one person feeling they are carrying far more than their partner.’
