From Beverley in Abigail's Party to Amanda in Amandaland, we've long been obsessed by middle class status symbolism. And in 2026, it’s seemingly based around what you’re not doing rather than what you are. Whether it’s no Deliveroo, no iPhone case, no shop-bought flowers or screen-free kids who are busy making things with their hands, here’s how to spot the subtle signs of those desperately trying not to make loadsafuss (when they actually have loadsamoney). Time to channel your inner Margo Leadbetter…
Tech-free kids
Ever since The Royle Family got Sky, owning a telly – especially a big one – has been terribly downmarket. Ironically perhaps, it was Katty Kay’s BBC report that recently noted how successfully keeping one’s offspring off screens entirely is 2026’s ultimate upper-middle-class flex. But screen-free parenting comes with a hefty price tag. First, you have to fund hours of alternative activities – Mandarin/violin/bassoon lessons, the Robotics National Championship – to keep the little darlings entertained. Then there’s the cost of repeatedly charging the EV to fetch and carry them hither and thither, not to mention your own expensive therapy from constantly having to engage them in stimulating conversation. Just don’t let them see you secretly doomscrolling Instagram in the David Lloyd car park while waiting to collect them from fencing club.
Perfect skin
An eyelift is gauche and a salmon sperm facial is gross, but a discreet in-person appointment on a Wednesday afternoon with a fabulous dermatologist in a deep-carpeted clinic in Marylebone? Perfect. Just enough to give you that smooth, post-Maldives glow, but not so much that you look like you’ve had a chemical peel. The prescription regime they’ll recommend will have six very involved daily steps and four more to be done weekly – you’ll need to set reminders on your Apple watch. The products do set you back the thick end of a grand for 28 days’ worth, but it’s okay because you have a double sink and all that lovely, deep shelving in your en-suite bathroom anyway, so the clutter’s not a problem. Worth it for the compliments? Maybe.
No knobs
Knobs are triggering. The ignominy of having to yank a knob to open a stiff drawer or the threat of a cupboard spiking your adrenaline by unexpectedly banging closed when you’re listening to your mid-morning meditation podcast is just not worth the risk. Much better to get a flat-door kitchen from Sola, crafted from smooth, sustainable pale Scandinavian wood (imported from actual Scandinavia, not clicked ’n’ collected from Wembley Ikea) with perfectly aligned edges to draw the eye out to your fabulous garden. Pay extra for elaborate soft-close mechanisms. Zen kitchen, yeah?
No fun presents
You may be able to afford to gift a small family car to every kid in Year 3, but what better time than a birthday party to land an important message about the dangers of environmental waste? Stealth wealth does not give plastic, darling. If you absolutely must give a present, a secondhand copy of Oliver Twist wrapped in last weekend’s Observer is a marvellous, educational alternative. When the time comes for your own children to have a party, pack home-made hummus (check for sesame allergies!) and dark chocolate-dipped strawberries into a Whole Foods tote bag and send everyone into a field for an hour with a kite and a boomerang, thereby avoiding the rest of the public (and their germs) at a municipal leisure facility followed by Nando’s.
Cheap reading glasses
Statement Balenciaga frames scream Amex Black Card. Yikes! Much better to show everyone how unbothered you are about things as transient and trifling as, well, things by buying 18 pairs of ready-made reading glasses off Amazon. With so many to choose from, you don’t have to worry about losing a few or just leaving them in your other car/BA lounge/second home.
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Seagrass runners
Expensive and wholly impractical for a kitchen, where you’ll have to replace it every six months because you can’t clean it – but nonetheless essential. Provided you get the right shade (pale biscuit, not camel brown), the natural fibres will keep your well-kept toes cosy and add a relaxed touch to offset your otherwise intimidatingly gleaming handmade kitchen.
Mending things
Or, rather, paying someone else to mend things. If you’re going to own a classic Bottega Veneta woven handbag (which you are, obvs), there’s nothing so reassuringly normie as exclaiming, ‘This? Oh, I’ve had it 20 years!’ Nobody will suspect a thing.
Cut flowers
Ideally blossom branches, berries and seedpods as opposed to daffodils and tulips. Of course, it’s best if these are cut from your own achingly beautiful garden or brought back from the weekend cottage in Dorset. Such blooms are quite literally FREE! To really land that thrifty-but-chic vibe, aim for huge and higgledy-piggledy. Extra points if there are actual bugs crawling all over your kitchen table because this says both ‘organic’ and ‘authentic’. Do note, though, that ferns and succulents read as hipster and therefore try-hard – except in bathrooms, where you should have a giant rubber plant. Aim for Kew Gardens scale – only the privileged few have a bathroom window big enough to support plant life more complex than mould.
Batch cooking
Nigel Slater is best. Fill your freezer with chic stews and hearty soups, lovingly simmered over those long weekday afternoons in decades-old Le Creuset pots. Use wincingly expensive ingredients sourced from myriad local farm shops. So much healthier than banging out a HelloFresh or, God forbid, panic ordering oven chips and hummus off Deliveroo.
No iPhone case
You can just get a new one if you break it, so save yourself the faff and go bareback.
