Before it’s too late: the 3 most important conversations to have with your teen this summer (and how to do it)

The school holidays offer a rare opportunity to actually spend time with your teen and have meaningful conversations – though this doesn’t mean showering them with dire warnings about the pitfalls of teenage life, says Tanith Carey, psychotherapeutic counsellor and author of What’s My Teenager Thinking? Practical Child Psychology For Modern Parents.

‘Summer holidays are a key time for teenagers,’ explains Tanith. ‘It’s a chance for them to enjoy more freedom, to become more independent from their parents and start discovering who they are. As exciting as that can be for them, all that exploration can feel stressful for parents, who often believe they need to warn their teens about every pitfall they could possibly encounter over the coming months.

‘My general advice is not to try to scare your teen with dire warnings about what will happen if they drink too much or make the wrong decisions. Instead, get curious first. Ask them what they’re experiencing this summer. What situations are coming up for them? What are they noticing among their friends? What are they looking forward to? What, if anything, are they worried about? Remember, they know what it’s like to be their age today. You don’t.

‘If you jump straight into lectures, advice or ultimatums, they’re more likely to think you don’t understand their world, feel judged, become defensive and simply switch off.’

Here’s Tanith’s top advice for getting your teenager to open up…

Aim for smaller, everyday conversations rather than one, sit-down ‘talk’ about anything you're worried about.

Ask questions. Listen carefully to the answers without judgement or criticising. As they begin to share more, you’ll naturally find opportunities to offer your own perspective and experiences.

Use ‘side doors’. Films, TV programmes, social media stories or news events can all be great springboards for conversations about alcohol, vaping, smoking, consent or friendships. Ask them what they think. How do they think they would handle that situation? What worries them when they see friends going through experiences like these? It’s then you get a chance to offer your perspective – and the good news is they’ll more likely to listen.

‘You may think your teen isn’t listening when you share your point-of-view. But as a parent of two who’s been there, as well as a parenting author and counsellor, I promise they're taking in far more than you realise. Often it’s these little chats, spread over the whole summer, that have the biggest impact.’

There are three areas that parents worry the most about – and here's Tanith’s advice for dealing with them.

Drinking: start the conversation by asking how they’d look after a friend who’d drunk too much

‘To a teen, alcohol is a way to have fun with friends, look more grown-up and feel more confident. You might not like it, but by the time they reach their mid-teens, simply forbidding them to drink alcohol doesn’t mean they won’t, especially during the heady days of summer when they’re more likely to be out socialising.

‘So rather than focusing on imposing rules around alcohol, which will probably only make them more determined to try it, I suggest conversations that take a more practical approach instead.

‘First off, your teenager may resent your assumption that they’re drinking and the need for a “pep talk” – even if they absolutely already are drinking with their mates. So rather that start with that assumption, which will make them defensive, try starting the conversation by asking how they’d look after a friend who’d drunk too much.

‘Talk about the importance of never leaving someone who’s passed out, staying with their group, never letting someone go off with a stranger and calling an ambulance if someone is having trouble breathing or can’t be woken up.

‘This is a good segue into introducing some of the research around what alcohol does to the brain. As much as they may roll their eyes, you could let them know one of the reasons experts advise delaying regular drinking for as long as possible is because of research that’s found heavy alcohol use in the teen years has been linked to poorer memory, learning and decision-making, as well as a higher risk of alcohol problems later on.

‘Rather than giving one big lecture, keep asking questions throughout the summer months, like “How was the party?”, “Did anyone get into trouble?” or “Has drinking become a thing with your friends?”

‘And although you may be loath to hear it, keep an eye on your own drinking habits too. Studies show that children tend to copy their parents’ attitudes towards alcohol. Avoid portraying a glass of Chablis as your go-to way of coping after a terrible day, as a reward, or as something that’s essential if you want to have fun with friends.

‘Even if you enjoy a drink, don’t be shy about talking openly about the limits you put on your own drinking to protect your long-term health – be open about how you’re ringfencing your own alcohol use and why. You’re role-modelling how to set healthy limits and pay attention to how alcohol makes you feel.

‘But overall, one of the most useful things you can tell your teen, is: “If you've had too much to drink or feel unsafe, ring me. I’ll come and get you. We’ll talk about it the next day.’

Consent: learn to navigate intimate experiences

‘Summer is a time when more young people are getting together, socialising and perhaps having their first intimate experiences. But as they navigate these new situations, they’re also learning how to understand boundaries, communicate their feelings and respect someone else’s wishes, often without having much experience or practice.

‘As a parent and parenting author, I’m sad that I often hear about painful ruptures between young people – and the long-lasting ripple effects – when there’ve been misunderstandings around sexual consent in these formative years.

‘For many parents, the first hurdle is simply imagining their own teen in this situation. I fully understand how difficult it can be to to picture the child you recently remember as a baby navigating experiences that now feel so adult. If you feel awkward talking about this subject, take some time to process your own feelings first, perhaps with your co-parent or someone you trust.

‘Again, as this is a sensitive subject, using side doors, like TV shows or other people’s experiences, to bring up the subject, rather than making it feel like a formal lecture, can really help. As the conversation with your teens starts to open up, describe sexual consent as more than simply the absence of a “no”.

‘Talk about it as enthusiastic agreement, with both people actively wanting that activity and both equally wanting to take part. Stress that intimacy should always involve both people feeling comfortable, respected and genuinely willing.

‘You can also suggest simple ways they can check in with the other person, like asking open-ended questions like: “Do you want to...?” or “Is this OK with you?” You can let them know that this can actually enhance the experience.

‘Help them understand that either they or the other person is perfectly entitled to say “yes” or “no”, and can change their mind and stop at any point.

‘And talk to both your sons and daughters. When we think about consent, parents sometimes focus only on a victim-perpetrator dynamic from boys towards girls. However, boys also get pressure, from girls or other boys, to have sex, to perform sexual acts or to prove themselves in sexual ways they aren’t comfortable with.’

Friendship fall-outs: see the bigger picture

‘Often, this is one of the biggest issues to flare up over the summer, when teens are socialising more, spending long days together, going to parties and festivals, and mixing friendship groups. Expectations are higher, plans don’t always work out, social media can fuel misunderstandings and spending so much time together can mean small tensions quickly grow into bigger ones.

‘You can take some of the heat and hurt out of these situations before they happen by helping your teen see the bigger picture before there’s a big row. For example, talk to your teen about the fact that whenever human beings spend time together, there are always differences of opinion.

‘That's completely normal and to be expected. It’s about how you handle it. Helping them understand this can prime them not to take every disagreement personally when conflict inevitably crops up. Introduce how friendship fallouts often spiral out of control when friends stop communicating, make assumptions about each other’s motives or decide they need to teach the other person a lesson.

’All this may not sink in immediately, but keep gently offering alternative ways of looking at situations and model how there are almost always calmer, non-confrontational ways to repair a rift. With thought and care, there are nearly always ways of communicating honestly without hurting another person's feelings.

‘Encouraging your teen to practise being open about what they’re thinking and feeling, too, while expressing themselves as diplomatically as possible, as it’s one of the greatest life skills they can develop, both in friendships and romantic partnerships.

‘And ultimately, help your teen understand that we can never control other people’s behaviour. The biggest lessons are usually the ones people learn for themselves. All we can ever really control is how we choose to respond.’

What’s My Teenager Thinking? Practical Child Psychology For Modern Parents’by Tanith Carey and Dr Angharad Rudkin is published by Penguin/DK and covers 75 real-life challenges with kids aged 13-18