‘It starts, rather boringly, with respect’: Joanna Lumley, 80, on the one simple rule behind 40 years of happy marriage

We’ll take her advice on anything. Fashion? Tick. The benefits of a midday flute of Champagne? Sign us up. So when Joanna Lumley speaks about marriage, we listen, and our ears pricked up when she talked about it on the Dish podcast.

Her number one rule? ‘You've got to respect your partner,’ she said. ‘You've got to love what they do… never feel contempt. If you have contempt in your body at any stage, don't even start going out with them.’

Not passion, then? Not grand gestures or diamond necklaces? Apparently not. But while her respect rule may not be glamorous, it is, it turns out, backed not only by Aretha Franklin (sing it with us) but by science, too. Quite a lot of it.

A study published in the Journal Of Sex & Marital Therapy, which involved 2,371 recently divorced individuals, found that a lack of respect was among the most commonly cited reasons for their split.

Conversely, in a series of empirical studies published in the Respect in Close Relationships Prototype Study, researchers found that a newly developed scale measuring partner respect predicted relationship satisfaction better than scales measuring loving or even liking.

The respect cycle

Joanna Lumley and her husband Stephen Barlow, in November 1986.

Respect, the study found, was linked to being attentive, empathic, kind and supportive, creating a ‘mutual cyclical growth model’ where respectful behaviour deepens trust and commitment.

‘When you show respect, not only are you nurturing the other person’s self-confidence, but you’re showing and exercising your own,’ explains clinical psychologist Dr Linda Blair. After all: ‘We can’t give what we don’t have.’

Lumley’s two further rules

Respect may be Rule Number One, but Joanna has two further tips. ‘You've got to be endlessly forgiving about things, knowing that you've got as many shortfalls as you think they may have,’ she shared. ‘It’s not an accident that forgiveness is central to religion. It releases you as much as the other,’ agrees Dr Blair. But why? ‘Resentment is like a deadweight inside you, dragging down your opportunities to be joyful.’

If you find forgiveness tricky at times – when, say, he’s left an empty can of lager on the kitchen island for the 1,000th time – breathe, and remember that – as long as your partner’s crimes are not considerably more serious than this – working through things is actively good for you: ‘There’s nothing more fundamental to human health and happiness than good relationships – both social and romantic. Their influence appears to eclipse even exercise,’ says Dr Blair.

Oh and Joanna’s final tip? ‘Have a bit of a crush on them’.