Marisa Peer is a therapist with more than three decades of experience specialising in helping women radically transform their life. She’s worked with Olympic athletes, CEOs, and celebrities, using Rapid Transformational Therapy, a therapeutic method she created that combines hypnotherapy, cognitive behavioural therapy, and neuroscience. In her new book, Your Mind, Your Rules, Marisa proposes that you can solve the common problem of feeling like your mind is working against you; if you learn 16 powerful rules that will unlock your potential and make your life instantly better.
Of course, Marisa would advise that you read the book to learn all 16 of those rules… but if you only have time to take in one right now, Marisa has picked out the rule she thinks women in middle age in particular most urgently need to grasp.
She tells Good Housekeeping: ‘The rule would be this: stop waiting for permission to put yourself first!’
The problem so many women face
‘So many women reach midlife having spent decades taking care of everyone else,’ Marisa explains. ‘They've been the caregiver, partner, mother, daughter, colleague, housekeeper and driver and have become experts at meeting other people's needs while quietly placing their own needs and wellbeing at the bottom of the list.’
This is a pattern Marisa sees in many of her clients. ‘In fact, it sits underneath so many of the challenges women bring to my therapy chair,’ she notes. ‘Whether they come to me with confidence issues, people-pleasing, burnout, anxiety, low self-worth or feeling stuck, there is often a much deeper belief running underneath: "I am not enough and I matter less than everyone else" or "I have to earn my value by looking after other people."’
Putting ourselves at the bottom of the priorities list is an entrenched habit that we’ve been socialised to take on. ‘Many women learn very early in life that being ‘good’ or being a people pleaser or a high achiever as a way to be accepted and stay connected, means being self-sacrificing,’ Marisa notes. This is a belief that can be hard to unlearn.
‘They become so used to putting themselves last that they feel guilty when they even think about prioritising themselves,’ Marisa says. ‘Yet the truth is that constantly neglecting your own needs doesn't make you a better partner, mother or friend – it simply leaves you depleted, frustrated and unfulfilled.’
So that’s the problem… how do we solve it?
How understanding this rule can help you
Marisa tells us: ‘The women who thrive in midlife are often the ones who finally give themselves permission to become the most important person in their own lives! I want women to understand that your needs matter too. You don't have to earn time just for you or apologise for wanting more. Midlife is not a time to shrink your life; it's a time to reclaim it.’
The therapist believes that understanding her one rule has the power to change your life for the better.
‘The moment you stop seeking permission from other people, you take back control and become the author of your own life again,’ she shares. ‘I've seen so many women transform when they realise they don't need someone else to tell them they're worthy, talented, attractive or capable enough – or prove it by doing everything themselves. When you stop giving your power away and instead start trusting yourself, tapping into your intuition and honouring your own needs, you start to make different decisions.’
Marisa continues: ‘This sits at the heart of my new book and podcast, Your Mind, Your Rules. So many of us are living by rules we unconsciously absorbed from other people – how we should look, behave, succeed or be liked. The moment you realise you can challenge those rules and create new ones, everything begins to change.
‘You set healthier boundaries and speak up for yourself when something doesn’t feel right. It suddenly feels safe to pursue the life you've been longing to follow but have been putting off. Many women stop settling for relationships, careers or circumstances that no longer fit who they've become because they are finally comfortable with who they are and what they want – and won’t settle for less.’
How to incorporate this rule into your life
Much of the solution is a simple mindset change, reminding yourself that you matter, your needs and wants are important, and it’s OK to put yourself first. One specific tip that can help as part of this is to tweak your self-talk to prioritise kindness.
‘I would encourage every woman to start speaking to herself as kindly as she would speak to the people she loves,’ Marisa tells us, ‘because most women would never dream of talking to a friend the way they talk to themselves!
‘They criticise their appearance, question their abilities, focus on what they haven't achieved, rather than what they have – and dwell on their mistakes. What we need to remember is that your mind is always listening to every word you say. It doesn’t care whether what you tell it is good or bad, true or false, it simply accepts it as fact and acts on it.
‘The relationship you have with yourself and the language you use influences everything – your confidence, resilience, health, decision making, relationships and even the opportunities you believe are available to you.’
Ahead, Marisa shares three actionable steps to take right now.
Decide to be a cheerleader – and act like it
‘You have a choice here - that little voice in your head can either be your biggest critic or your biggest cheerleader. So think about what you are telling yourself daily and ask - ‘Is this working with me, or against me?’’
Marisa urges us to ask one question: ‘What would I have to believe about myself to thrive?’ Think about your answers, then act accordingly. It’s OK if it feels forced at first or like you’re playing pretend. Fake it ‘til you make it.
Stop viewing yourself as a project
‘Stop treating yourself like a project that needs fixing and start recognising yourself as someone who is already worthy and deserving of everything they desire,’ says Marisa. Self-improvement is a noble goal, but it’s vital you engage in it from a place of love, not because you think you need a total overhaul.
‘I often say that the most important relationship you will ever have is the one you have with yourself and midlife is the perfect time to make that relationship a loving one.’
Don’t say sorry when it’s unnecessary
‘Say “Thanks for waiting”, instead of “Sorry I am late”,’ advises Marisa. ‘“Do you have a few minutes for me?” rather than “Sorry to bother you.” “Could you help me with this?” rather than “Sorry I don't understand this.” Of course apologise when you are wrong, but apologising when you are not diminishes you and you can stop that very easily.’
Your Mind, Your Rules by Marisa Peer is out now.
