You made it. Your days of full-time employment are behind you. You’re finally free from the faff of heading into an office, dealing with your manager’s opaque requests, your lunchbox leaking all over your bag. Retirement is here and while the changes associated with no longer working can feel intimidatingly huge, hitting this milestone is certainly cause for celebration.
But in the midst of rejoicing, have you considered the rules of politeness for this new stage of your life?
Being a new retiree comes with a specific set of etiquette guidelines, to avoid any unintentional rudeness or irritation. What are those guidelines, you may ask? We’ve asked etiquette experts to break them down.
Do: Remember everyone has different schedules
When asked for the most common retirement etiquette mistakes, Myka Meier of Beaumont Etiquette was quick to pinpoint one in particular: imagining that everyone else now has the same schedule as you do. Nope!
‘One of the biggest adjustments is remembering that friends and family may still be working full-time,’ Myka explains. ‘Calling in the middle of the day or expecting people to meet at short notice can unintentionally create pressure. Respecting other people’s routines helps relationships stay balanced.’
Don‘t: brag too hard
‘When you are visiting with friends, by all means feel free to brag a bit, but don’t take over the conversation,’ advises Diane Gottsman, an international etiquette authority and founder of the Protocol School of Texas. ‘Ask others about their life, and as all good conversationalists know, listen more than you brag… also known as speak. Only a few pictures, please!’
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Do: take time away from your partner
A common retirement misstep is suddenly always being around your other half, hovering like it’s your new full-time job. ‘This often happens when one spouse retires while the other has an established routine,’ notes etiquette expert Jo Hayes. ‘For example, a husband who has recently retired may suddenly be home all day, unintentionally disrupting a wife who has long managed the household or built her own schedule of activities.’
This isn’t only annoying for your partner, but it can be bad for your relationship. As lovely as it is that you now have more time to spend together, there can be too much of a good thing. Jo advises: ‘Don't expect your spouse to completely change their routine simply because you’ve retired. Instead, respect each other’s personal space, maintain individual hobbies and interests, and spend time together intentionally, rather than constantly. Having separate activities also gives you something meaningful to share at the end of the day. Maintaining independence helps keep both the relationship and retirement fulfilling.’
Do: respect other people’s time
No work means no alarm in the morning, no set bedtime, no limit on your lunch break… but it does not mean that everyone else can shift around their lives to fit your more relaxed schedule. If a friend invites you for lunch at 12.30pm, don’t stroll in at 1pm. Yes, even if they, too, are retired. Whether they’re rushing back to the office or planned to do Pilates in the afternoon, other people’s time pressures and commitments need to be respected.
Don’t: be a lingerer
On that note, don’t overstay your welcome, whether that’s in a cafe or at a friend’s home. You might not have anywhere else to be, but that’s not the case for everyone. Someone else wants your table at the cafe. Your friend would quite like some solo time.
Do: be understanding if retirement is tough (for you or others!)
August Abbott, premier etiquette expert on JustAnswer, tells us: ‘What many people don’t realise when it comes to others who are, after a lifetime of work, not working any more is that this isn’t always the joy it’s made out to be. We humans are creatures of habit and those habits, even the bad ones, are comforting to us because they are known.’
You might be surprised at how mentally and emotionally challenging you find the transition to retirement. Be gentle with yourself. You might be baffled by other retired people not sharing your excitement at this new stage in life. Try to meet them where they’re at and hear out their thoughts, rather than jumping straight in with the positivity.
Don’t: depend on a small group of people to fulfil all your social needs
‘Your spouse, children, grandchildren and friends aren’t responsible for keeping you entertained,’ says Jo. ‘Spending time together is wonderful – and grandparent babysitting is often appreciated – but it’s important to have interests and activities that are your own.’
Do: be conscious that not everyone can retire at the same age
Diane understands the temptation to gleefully declare that ‘every day is a Saturday’ or ‘it’s so lovely to not have an alarm each morning’, but asks you to try to resist. ‘It comes across as boastful and oftentimes demeaning to others who are still in the workforce and have bills to pay and rely on a monthly income. For some, retirement will never be an option and making the remark, “I’m so glad I’m retired. You should try it!” is equally uncomfortable. Read the room and be sensitive to those who don’t have the same set of circumstances.’
Don’t: keep checking in on your former workplace
It’s self-flattery to imagine that your workplace will fall apart the moment you leave. While it’s lovely to pop in to an ex-colleague’s leaving drinks and stay in touch with work friends who’ve become real-life friends, make sure you don’t overdo the office visits. Your intentions may be great (you just want to check everyone’s doing okay!), but an excessive workplace presence post-retirement sends the message that you don’t trust anyone else to be able to do their jobs.
Do: fill your time with all the things you’re curious about
‘Take a class, be a mentor, volunteer, to ensure you are keeping yourself stimulated and interesting,’ advises Diane. ‘Join a group, take a mahjong lesson, make a point of learning something new. This will give you something fresh and exciting to discuss.’
Don’t: get competitive
Retirement is not a competition to see who can do the most activities or who has the fullest schedule. Slow things down and remember you’ve got time. You don’t need to do everything all at once.
Do: remember you are more than just your former job
It can be tough to detangle your sense of self from the work that you do, especially when you’ve spent such a long time putting in the graft. Remind yourself that you’re not just an ex-[insert-job-title-here]. You’re a full person with all sorts of interesting views and experiences.
And definitely bear this in mind when it comes to conversation. As tempting as it may be to reference your glittering career as evidence of your brilliance, talk too much about your work exploits and you risk coming across as stuck in the past. ‘Retirement can be an exciting and invigorating time,’ says Diane. ‘It doesn’t mean you slow down, but can be an opportunity to learn new skills. Joining groups, taking classes, mentoring and doing for others makes for a great conversation when you’re with old and new friends.’
Don’t: feel like you have to say yes to everything
‘Having more free time doesn’t mean you’re available for every request,’ advises Jo. ‘Many grandparents genuinely love spending time with their grandchildren and are happy to help from time to time. However, retirement doesn’t mean your new full-time job is providing free childcare. It’s perfectly acceptable to decline requests – especially lengthy or frequent babysitting commitments – if you’d rather spend that time seeing friends, pursuing hobbies, playing sports or enjoying your retirement in other ways.
‘A kind, calm and clear “no” is perfectly acceptable. Your children should respect your decision, even if it’s inconvenient for them. Retirement is about creating a fulfilling life for yourself, not feeling obligated to say yes simply because you now have more time.’
Do: some good
‘Perhaps one of the most rewarding and giving options for how to spend your retirement is to find a need and join the solution,’ says August, who advises looking into opportunities to volunteer. ‘My suggestion is to find something completely outside of your wheelhouse. If your job was in an office, find a need that takes you outside and makes you learn something new and challenging. If you’ve retired from outdoor work, time to go inside. The bonus here is that with all the new things you’ll have to talk about, everyone will say how retirement made you really interesting!’
