For most of us, the last time we were taught about manners was when we were kids being told to mind our P’s and Q’s. That didn’t exactly equip us with an encyclopaedic knowledge of etiquette for modern, grown-up life. This means we’re often left wondering: how am I supposed to navigate this? Is it rude if I do that?
And one situation where these questions come up non-stop is the group holiday with friends, like those recently displayed in The Five-Star Weekend and Two Weeks In August. It makes sense. Getaways with friends put your individual quirks, habits, and values – and those of your friends – in sharp perspective. You’re thrown into all sorts of scenarios that require care and expose you to new sides of pals you may have previously only hung out with in shorter windows of dinners out. It’s all too easy to unintentionally make a blunder that not only makes your mates think you’re rude, but can fester into resentment that ruins the friendship.
We’ve all heard stories of someone’s ex-friend who refused to split the bill, or got too drunk, or didn’t pull their weight when it came to tidying up the Airbnb, right?
So, to save your holidays from awkwardness, we asked etiquette experts for 13 mistakes you might be making... that should be avoided at all costs.
You leave all the organising to one person
‘Don’t make one friend the unofficial trip manager,’ advises Sheree Holt, founder of Why Not Roam, a boutique travel company specialising in group trips for midlife travellers. ‘There’s almost always one super-organised person who ends up doing all the research, booking and reminding for the trip while everyone else just shows up. Divide the responsibilities early, or agree that the planner gets to make certain decisions without being second-guessed later.’
You call dibs on the best room
The Airbnb is booked and it’s clear the moment you arrive that one room is far better than the others – there’s a clawfoot tub in the en-suite, for crying out loud. Please know that if you attempt a casual ‘I guess I’ll take this one’ or silently put your suitcase on the bed, everyone knows what you’re up to. And it’s rude.
Once any accessibility requirements are sorted (if someone has a leg injury, let them have the room on the ground floor), etiquette experts agree that the fairest system is leaving room allocations to chance. August Abbott, Premier Etiquette Expert on JustAnswer, recommends writing down names on folded up pieces of paper, chucking them in a sun hat, then pulling them out. ‘It’s fair and it’s random.’
You think you’re the ’best’ at holidays
‘One of the biggest mistakes people make is assuming everyone wants the same holiday as you do,’ Lara Lee Caine, a relationship coach, says. ‘One person wants to relax by the pool, another wants to pack every day with activities, someone else wants late nights, while another is desperate for an early night. Problems start when we assume our way is the “right” way instead of recognising everyone has different needs and ideas.’
You brought a plus-one
All the rooms are doubles and they’ll pay for their own flight, so it’s fine if your husband comes along... right? Not so. ‘Don’t invite an additional person without asking the group,’ Sheree says. ‘Even when the newcomer is lovely, the surprise can evoke side-eyes and attitudes.’
Your toothbrush is on the sink
Diane Gottsman, an international etiquette authority and founder of The Protocol School of Texas, says this is one of the most common missteps she sees: one friend spreading their personal items all over the holiday home. ‘It’s rude if you’re ‘leaving personal items all over the vacation rental and not cleaning up after yourself when you are out of the shower or bath,’ she notes. ‘Or leaving wet towels on furniture or on the floor.’
When you’re in a shared home, your bedroom is the only space that’s yours. Everywhere else, including the living room and bathrooms (unless you’ve landed the ensuite), should be considered a common area and thus your stuff shouldn’t be all over the place. Have a toiletries bag you ferry back and forth to the bathroom. When it’s time for bed, take the book you’ve been reading on the sofa up to your bedside table.
You’re late
‘Tardy to dinner or for breakfast is rude,’ says Diane. ‘It’s important to compromise on schedules when other people are waiting for you.’ The same goes for agreed times to meet up after time spent separately. August advises: ‘When it comes to meet back up time, treat this with the importance and respect it deserves. If you say 4pm, show up at 4pm. It might seem minor, but we never know what the other person experienced during their out-and-about time and how much they looked forward to restoring normalcy in meeting up with you at a specific time.’
You expect everyone do everything
If someone politely says they won’t join for the canoeing trip or that fancy dinner out, don’t press them too hard. They may be trying to tell you they can’t afford it. Or they just don’t fancy it – which is allowed! ‘Nobody should feel embarrassed about saying something is outside their budget,’ says Lara. ‘I think it’s perfectly acceptable for someone to skip an expensive meal or excursion without feeling guilty or having to justify themselves.’
You think everyone has to spend the entire holiday together
‘Don’t spend every waking moment together,’ suggests Jo Hayes, an etiquette expert and the founder of EtiquetteExpert.org. ‘Ick. A big ick for any sane human. Humans need personal space – some more than others. Be aware of what you “need” to function optimally and of how much others seem, and adjust behaviour and schedules to fit. For example, if you know that a full day out and about with friends will exhaust you, politely excuse yourself from dinner, and have a night in yourself... and perhaps plan your own thing the following day, and rejoin them for dinner the following night.’
You split everything equally
Dividing the cost of dinner six ways between six people feels fair... unless you’re the person who only had a starter and tap water in an attempt to wrangle back a holiday budget. August is a believer in simply doing separate bills: ‘Once agreed upon by everyone, it’s not awkward. Be sure that when your server comes by for the first time you announce “we’ll need separate checks for the table”. That way, there's no mistake.’
You make assumptions about what everyone ‘should‘ be able to afford
What you think of as a good deal or a reasonable amount to spend may be radically different to what your friend thinks. Assuming otherwise – and reading into the ways someone is spending their cash – is a big mistake that can cause such resentment that friendships fall apart. Lara says: ‘Money is probably the quickest way to damage a friendship if expectations aren’t discussed early.’
The best way to navigate money on a group holiday is to talk about it – sooner rather than later. Talk about spending limits and what’s important to you about your time away without any judgment or upset if someone says they can’t afford to do what you would prefer. You might know their salary in a general sense and believe they're being stingy but the truth is, you don’t know what might be going on behind the scenes – whether that’s an unexpected expense they’re juggling or emotional perceptions of finance that differ from your own.
You make surprise plans
August says: ‘Is there anything worse than believing you’ll have a lazy day at the pool or beach; going through local thrift stores; finding a perfect coffee place to sit and watch locals go about their lives, etc... And then being told you have 10 minutes to get ready for the bus tour your travel mates booked for all of you? Not conducive to a warm, fuzzy friendship and could set the mood for the entire vacation.’
You’re boring
You don’t have to do every single activity on holiday, but refusing to do anything is very poor form. 'If suggestions for things to do are made and you’re saying something negative about all of them, there’s a problem and it’s you,’ says August. On shared trips, it’s a good idea to commit to exploring different things, trying different things, from food to sleep hours. You’ve never had ‘real’ sushi? It sounds disgusting? Well, no one is dying from it so go ahead, open your mind and then your mouth. You just might like it and worst-case scenario, you discretely deposit it in a napkin and for all of time you can say you tried it and then decided you didn’t care for it. If you’re in front of the TV and in bed by 10pm, be daring and stay up with your friends until midnight. You probably used to do such adventurous things when you were younger, right? Even if just once, at least you participated.’
You're always on your phone
‘Digital etiquette is a big one,’ says Jo. ‘Have phones on silent whenever in group situations. Endless rings, dings and pings are supremely annoying, not to mention anything played on loudspeaker. This is what earphones are for.’
Other phone-related crimes on holiday include endless scrolling (you’re meant to be having fun experiencing a new place, not staring at a screen), having your phone out on the table at dinner, and posting a constant stream of updates on social media – ‘nothing should be shared online without consent first,’ notes Diane, especially if it’s unapproved photos of your pals or their kids.
