The Great British Bake Off has always been loaded with innuendo. References to soggy bottoms, astoundingly phallic breads, icing buns... it's absolute smut.
So when it was announced that Nigella Lawson, AKA one of the sexiest British icons around, would be joining the show as a new judge for season 17, we were alarmed. How much sexier could a show about baking get? Would the British public be able to handle such pulse-raising TV at 8pm on a Tuesday? Just how erotic would Nigella go?
Well, just a few minutes in to the first episode, we had our answers. Nigella indeed delivered all manner of baking commentary that sounded deeply sensual. She even managed to outshine one of the bakers, Danni, putting 'sticky willy' in her showstopper. Episode two continued the theme. We've rated and ranked Nigella's comments in both episodes from least to most sexy.
Episode two - biscuit week
‘So, you’ve got crunch and goo? That’s what I want in a cookie’
Sexiness rating: 1/5
Goo is not a sexy word. But like the perfectly balanced cookies the bakers were tasked with creating, Nigella evens it out with the use of ‘crunch’. It’s a recipe for life. A mantra to be printed on a tea towel. You can’t have one without the other.
‘The royal icing gives a good texture to that soothing, buttery, melty shortbread’
Sexiness rating: 2/5
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Soothing and buttery and melty. SIGH. It’s practically Shakespearian, no?
‘It’s got resistance. Not sure I want my biscuits to resist me’
Sexiness rating: 3/5
She’s the baking queen. THE domestic goddess. How could a Digestive ever resist Nigella? Biscuits and humans are all under her spell.
‘There is nothing wrong with restraint. Restraint is a very good partner to indulgence’
Sexiness rating: 3/5
Sounds good. No idea what it means. It’s all about the delivery. Nigella nails it.
‘I love these flavours. To me they are the flavours of a rather divinely aromatic ginger nut’
Sexiness rating: 3/5
Has anyone ever called the humble packet of ginger nuts ‘divinely aromatic’? Could anyone get away with it?
‘I don’t approve of talking about food as naughty. We need to take our pleasures where we can in life’
Sexiness rating: 5/5
Amen.
Episode one - cake week
'The fear of unmoulding seizes one'
Sexiness rating: 1/5
At the top of the episode Nigella explained that she loves making a chocolate stout cake in a bundt tin because it's fun to bake cakes you have to 'unmould'. Nigella's delivery was perfection, but the word 'unmould' isn't the sexiest. 'Unveil' or 'reveal' could have upped the stakes. When she later used the word 'unmoulding' in a more ominous manner, the sex appeal dropped further.
'A wet batter needs longer'
Sexiness rating: 1/5
We do not like the phrase 'wet batter'.
'I love that scalloped waistband'
Sexiness rating: 2/5
Nigella commenting on a 'waistband' feels scandalous at first, but less so when you realise she's referring to a decorative band around a cake.
'Savage'
Sexiness rating: 2/5
Nigella used the word 'savage' multiple times in reference to stout cakes, saying the recipe demands a 'savage bite' then later remarking that one baker's use of cardamom was 'a bit savage'. Savage bite sounds a little kinky, but she lost us at cardamom.
'I'm full of cake and hope'
Sexiness rating: 2/5
An excellent quote that we would like printed on a T-shirt. But far from the most sensual thing Nigella said.
'I like a bit of goo'
Sexiness rating: 2.5/5
Is 'goo' a sexy word, or does it make you feel icky, à la 'moist'? It's a divisive one, and so we'll rate it a 2.5.
'It's very fruity, which I like a lot'
Sexiness rating: 2.5/5
Said about Connie's showstopper. Nigella does love to get 'very fruity'.
'There's brightness in the buttercream'
Sexiness rating: 3/5
Nigella saying the word butter is instantly sensual. But the 'brightness' bit lessens the impact. We preferred a moment before, when Nigella simply listed delicious words like 'buttery, sugary'. Or in the technical challenge, when she said 'maybe it needs more butter'.
'Cherries can hide a multitude of sins'
Sexiness rating: 3/5
Naughty Nigella.
'I want it sumptuous'
Sexiness rating: 4/5
How was this allowed on TV pre-watershed? Total smut.
'The flavours are giving me a lot of pleasure'
Sexiness rating: 4/5
Straight to the point. Why do subtle when you can straight up say the word 'pleasure' as you tuck into a chocolate cake? Ignore the end of the sentence, when Nigella followed this up with '...but I think you've gone a bit too heavy on the bicarb.' What a tease.
'A wonderful frisson'
Sexiness rating: 5/5
Would you guess that this was something Nigella said about the concept of stout cakes? Probably. It's very in-character. Anyway, a French word about skin shivers tops the list for the most sensual thing Nigella said... in episode one, anyway. We're sure the sexiness will continue to build over the series, right up to the climax.
