‘Oh hey! I’m just going to send you a voice note because it’s easier than typing. And, uhhh, god, what was I going to say? Hmm. Oh, right, I remember. So yesterday I went to work and…’
I have no idea what happened to my friend after she went to work. Perhaps there was an alien invasion. I will never know, because after a few seconds of her umming and coughing, I couldn’t muster the energy to listen to her voice note all the way through. Not even on double-speed.
I feel guilty for this. What’s worse, I feel resentful towards my friend for putting me in this guilt-ridden position. Really, we’re both the victims of a widespread scourge upon our relationships: the voice note.
Voice notes are a relatively new means of communication and as such, we haven’t quite agreed on how they should be used. As a result, across the country we’re facing an epidemic of voice-note-related discord, with both senders and recipients unknowingly committing faux pas that make them look rude, inconsiderate, or technologically inept. Much like we had to figure out the formality required in an email when they first went mainstream, the time has come for us to put our heads together and decide on some clear voice note etiquette rules.
Ahead, we have done this noble and important task, with input from experts in common decency to ensure we’re on the right track. Please read on before you dare hold down that microphone button ever again.
Thou shalt not send a voice note with important details
If a friend has asked you for an address, instructions, a date, a name, anything at all that they’ll want to refer back to or copy or paste, it is plain old rude to proffer up a lengthy voice note instead. Do not make your loved ones listen to your audio ramblings on repeat in an attempt to decipher key information. If you do, ‘send the details in writing afterwards,’ advises etiquette expert Myka Meier of Beaumont Etiquette.
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Thou shalt have a vague idea of what you plan to say
‘Keep your voice notes to the point,’ advises Laura Akano, an etiquette coach and founder of Polished Manners. ‘Avoid repetitions, long pauses, “ums” and “ers” or filler words.’ Consider what you plan to say before you hit record. This is the bare minimum of being respectful of the recipient’s time.
Thou shalt provide some context
A voice note with no prior warning or expectations set is an act of aggression. It’s like a sudden phone call, or an email with no subject line. Laura advises: ‘Always send a brief text message before sending the voice note. This way the recipient knows what it's about and if an urgent reply is needed.’ It doesn’t need to be a full agenda, just something like: ‘I’m going to ping you a voice note about X’. Easy.
Thou shalt remember you are not hosting a podcast
‘Respect each other’s time,’ says etiquette expert Jo Hayes. ‘Keep voice notes as short as possible (ideally under 60 seconds). Practice “word economy”.’
But it’s not just about length. Bear in mind that voice notes should be an attempt at conversation, not a chance for you to monologue about whatever random thoughts pop into your mind. Give the recipient something to respond to. You’re talking to your friends, family, partner, colleagues... not unknown fans choosing to press play on your voice as background noise.
Thou shalt abandon ship if you’re somewhere loud
No one wants their ear drums bombarded with a child wailing for a mango ice lolly or police cars siren-ing to excess or the wind whipping away someone's voice as they try in vain to shout over it. Just give up. ‘Speak clearly and ensure there is no background noise,’ advises Laura.
Thou shalt not have too many points of interest in one voice note
We’re not kids anymore. Our memories are not what they used to be. Do not load into one voice note four different things that demand a reaction, unless you want the recipient to either keep hitting pause to send an ‘oh wow’ or to only reply to your final point. Or to give up trying to keep track of what you're on about and not reply at all.
Thou shalt not multitask
‘A common etiquette mistake is recording while doing something else,’ says Jo. ‘Avoid sending voice notes while cooking, eating (chewing noises are particularly unpleasant), walking around the house, driving, walking near busy traffic, shopping, exercising. These background noises are amplified in recordings and make voice notes tiring to listen to. If the message is only a few seconds long, this may be less noticeable. For anything longer than about 20 seconds, however, the distractions become much more obvious.’
Thou may listen to your friends’ voice notes on 2x speed
I checked with all the experts. They said it’s fine. It’s your friend’s fault for talking slowly, and hey, at least you’re listening. We’re all busy!
Thou shalt not expect an immediate reply to a voice note
Remember that people have jobs, lives, responsibilities... it’s far easier to sneak a surreptitious look at a message than it is to interrupt what you’re doing and play an audio file out loud. ‘You put someone in a position of having to stop their day to listen to a voice note,’ says Diane Gottsman, an international etiquette authority and founder of the Protocol School of Texas, who notes that the expectation of an immediate response can cause ‘agitation, which can affect your relationship’. If you send a voice note, you must do so with the understanding that the recipient will require time to listen, digest and formulate a response.
Thou shalt never forward on a lengthy voice note joke
Don’t send on a random person’s story of a wild thing that happened on their hen do in Amsterdam, please. It’s not true and I’m not going to listen to it. Unless everyone’s talking about it and I feel left out. Then it’s allowed.
Thou shalt only send voice notes to people you know well
‘Voice notes should only be sent to people you are close to or know very well,’ suggests Laura. It’s an intimate format, which can feel intrusive or informal, so we’d advise against using voice notes in work contexts. And remember, says Laura: ‘Not everyone likes voice notes. If you are unsure, ask the recipient in advance.’
Thou shalt not be offended if you never receive voice notes in reply... or if you only ever get voice notes rather than text messages
‘Many people do not like voice messages,’ says Diane. Jo, meanwhile, ‘loves’ voice notes to the point that she refers to herself as ‘the Queen of voice notes’. The point is: voice notes are divisive. Remember that everyone has their own communication preferences and that their intentions in the medium they use are likely good. Don’t read into a voice note as automatically rude or a text message as less personal.
Thou may reply to a voice note with a text
On that note, you don’t need to match mediums. Myka says: ‘It’s completely fine to reply to a voice note with a text because you’re responding to the content of the message, not matching the format. The only time a voice note reply is recommended is when the conversation is emotional, personal, or your tone really matters.’ Laura agrees: ‘It is not rude to reply to a voice note with a written message. You can reply in the format that suits you.’
Thou shalt be mindful of your voice note reputation
If you’re a repeat offender of voice note crimes (chewing noises! Seven-minute-long voice notes narrating the banalities of your day! Recording a voice note when you have the flu, so we all have to hear your mucus-ridden sniffling!), people will remember and they will respond – or not respond – accordingly.
‘People often judge a voice note before they even press play,’ says Jo. ‘Seeing a five-minute (or longer) message can feel overwhelming unless it’s from someone they know will be sharing genuinely valuable or entertaining information. If previous long voice notes from the same person could easily have been condensed into a minute, recipients may become reluctant to listen.’
The good news is that even the worst voice note wrongdoer can claw back their reputation as a well-mannered conversationalist. Just perhaps take a break from the microphone button for a month or two, OK?
