It’s episode one of The Celebrity Traitors and the paranoia is through the turrets. Ross Kemp (‘dad, is that you?’) got given a jaunty naval hat by Game of Thrones star Bella Ramsay and freaked out.
Former Coronation Street star Julie ‘Hi, I’m a huge fan’ Hesmondhalgh just displayed good manners by shaking everyone’s hand in church and the finger of suspicion got jabbed in her direction.
It was intense. But Miranda Hart nailed it when she said: ‘Miss Marple’s in the house.’ But Hart’s not the Marple… but Jerry Hall could be.
Bear with us. One of Miss Marple’s biggest assets was being unassuming and going unnoticed by the murderers and suspects in Agatha Christie’s novels. And as Hall admitted to Claudia: ‘People often underestimate me’.
So, forget Richard E. Grant’s game plan which is as combustible as the pirate galleon in the first challenge. Hall’s strategy is subtle and evolving but it could be one that sees her go all the way to the very end.
Strategy one: Underplay your hand
There was no shortage of celebrities to tell you how bad they wanted into the castle and, more importantly, Traitors’ Tower.
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Take Richard E. Grant, for example. ‘No guilt. It’s a game,’ he gleefully crowed. ‘I can’t wait to start murdering them. I cannot wait.’ And then it unravelled the minute he left the round table.
Hall, on the other hand, played it cool. In the drive to the castle, she told James Blunt and Bella Ramsay her ambition was to stay in the game purely because ‘I want to wear all my fabulous outfits.’
Her ‘thank you darlin'' when Blunt offered to wear them for her was charming. It was an ingratiating ‘nothing to see here’ attitude.
Oh, and the shoulder robing of her big overcoat around Andross Castle? Pure Marple.
Strategy two: Watch and observe
There’s a danger in theorising too soon. It can look desperate. Take the showdown in Traitors Bar. ‘Or YOU could be a traitor who just got a shield,’ blustered Richard E. Grant to Joe Lycett before he admitted he was a Traitor. Meanwhile, propped up at the end of the bar sat Hall, watching it all, going back and forth, like a game of tennis.
‘Share what?’ she said, when Lycett suggested telling the rest of the celebrities about Richard’s gaff. ‘He wanted to be a Traitor so bad so he’s obviously not,’ she explained.
She’s wrong. Dead wrong. But Lycett’s discovery has placed a potential target on his back and questions are already being asked about his so-called alliance with Julie.
At this early stage in the game, you don’t have to be right. Hall’s noncommittal insouciance meant she side-stepped the snafu and any suspicion. Smart.
Strategy three: Be confident
Bravado, nerves, timidity – first impressions count in the castle. Did anyone notice Maya Jama’s clock-it-a-mile-off smize after she’d just been given the Winkelman tap at the round table? Absolute giveaway.
Take a look at Hall’s poker face at the loch before the challenge. It’s giving Veronica Lake meets Joan Hickson. She could have a royal flush and you wouldn’t know it. It’s a look that says ‘don’t mess with Texas’ and will be invaluable at the round table.
‘The men in my family were law enforcement officers and my uncle was a Texas ranger who caught Bonnie and Clyde,’ Jerry said in her pre-round table interview. ‘Beneath this dumb blonde is a smart brunette.’ We believe you Jerry, but will the rest of the cast notice?
Strategy four: Be a team player
During the challenge Jerry wielded the crowbar. They’re good with tools and techniques in Texas, she revealed.
‘Move this one and bring that one here,’ she shouted.
Followed by: ‘Ok, get it out of the way.’
And then: ‘Move it, move it, move it.’ (Stick this quote on a tea towel, quick).
All of it was great TV and Jerry Hall proved a clear match for James Blunt and Ross Kemp, who organised the teams.
It was a power move that was clearly disarming too. Romesh Ranganathan called Jerry ‘very, very bossy’ which suggests he’s made an error and doesn’t see Hall as a threat.
Big mistake. Huge.
