As a former divorce lawyer and now a couples’ therapist, Joanna Harrison has seen more than her fair share of relationships that have taken a wrong turn. Whether she’s guiding a couple on how to stay together or advising them on how to separate amicably, she has an intimate knowledge of what makes relationships break down.
Often a marriage’s breakdown is a long time coming… but it still manages to land as a complete surprise. With ‘grey’ divorce – couples splitting up after the age of 50 after a long time together – on the rise (the percentage of people getting divorced aged 50 or older has doubled since the 90s), it’s evident that a significant number of splits are the end result of building resentment and red flags missed along the way.
What are those red flags? What are the signs of looming dissolution that so many of us are missing? If there’s anyone that knows, it’s Joanna Harrison. Luckily for us, she’s broken down seven of the most common signs so we all have a chance of fixing those hairline cracks before the whole marriage shatters.
Ticking off more than one? That might be a sign it’s time for couples therapy.
They’re obsessed with being right
Got a spouse who’s incapable of apologising just to keep the peace? Or one that picks an argument back up days later just to offer an ‘actually…’? Or – whisper it – is that spouse you?
Either way, that’s a worry. ‘When couples are stuck in a struggle between which of them is right, this can be an unrelenting groove that gets in the way of real intimate connection,’ Joanna tells Good Housekeeping. ‘Both people are likely to feel unheard. If your relationship feels more like a debating competition than a place where each of you are trying to do your best to compromise, even if that does feel like a messy middle at times, then this can lead to disconnection.’
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They’re disproportionately bothered by tiny things
Joanna says: ‘The reality of sharing domestic space is challenging in any relationship – a home is where a couple can constantly find themselves up against each other’s ideas. But homes can also provide stage for a low-level conversation about deeper issues between a couple. If daily life seems to create endless points of friction between you, then that could be a sign that there’s more unspoken resentment going on. These can be dismissed – “Oh, it’s just something small, it isn’t a sign of something deeper” – but actually it can be really important to give them a bit of attention in case that argument about the plate left on the worktop is a clue to more subtle feelings.’
You feel like you can’t bring up uncomfortable topics
What’s the point in telling your partner you’re upset about something? They’ll only get frustrated and dismiss your feelings.
If you ever find yourself thinking along those lines, your relationship needs attention. Sharpish. ‘One of the things that can cause real problems in a relationship is where one person is unable to bring up their feelings without the other person shutting them down,’ says Joanna, ‘Healthy relationships need you to be able to talk about what is and isn’t working. This isn’t a sign that there’s a problem. What becomes a problem is if one person is unhappy and their partner won’t let them talk about it.’
The physical connection is disappointing
‘A couple’s physical relationship is personal to them; there’s no “right” way to have a physical relationship,’ Joanna notes. ‘But if all physical connection has gone and one or both people are not happy with that – and crucially, not able to talk or think about it together – then that can be a real loss for the relationship. If it isn’t attended to, that can lead to drifting apart.’
One of you is coasting while the other picks up all the slack
It might feel silly to suggest that a divorce could be down to who takes the bins out. But resentment over an unfair divide of household responsibilities can really build up, often without you noticing until suddenly one half of the partnership explodes. It’s essential to keep an eye on fairness. The same goes for appreciation of what each of you is picking up – a ‘thank you for tidying up’ can go a long way.
Joanna says: ‘One of the common problem areas between couples that I see are feelings around how the load they carry between them is shared out. If one person feels overloaded, but their partner isn’t interested in what that means to them, or doesn’t see or acknowledge the work that they do, then this can be problematic and lead to corrosive resentments building up.’
They’re uninterested in anything new
You’ve started painting and want your partner to join you for a class. They say no. You’ve developed an interest in pottery but when you show your other half the vase you made, they barely react. This is a big, glaring red flag.
‘Often in midlife, when children are becoming more independent or leaving home, new possibilities open up for the people in the relationship. Perhaps someone wants to explore a new interest or a career shift – and if a partner is unsupportive or uninterested in that, for whatever reason, then this can create tensions,’ Joanna explains. It’s not that couples have to do everything together or share all the same interests, but support and some level of care – whether that’s asking questions about your day or reading a book you’ve been raving about – is a reasonable ask.
It feels like it’s all your fault
Joanna says: ‘In midlife, I often hear: “Things got difficult because she became perimenopausal.” But this may be only one strand of the difficulties faced by a couple at this phase of life. For both in a couple in midlife, there are shifts and changes to be mourned – bodies changing, getting older, children leaving home, changes in identity – and it’s more realistic to be able to look at the whole picture, not just one person getting somehow scapegoated for all the complexities of that moment in life.’
Want more expert insights on relationships and family life? Hear bestselling author Philippa Perry at Good Housekeeping Live 2026. Get your tickets here.
